For my Future: a Levi Ackerman story
by Dorkycomichero
Summary: No matter where you go, if you think about it enough, mystery surrounds the walls and there seems to be more within them. Carrie finds herself in this world, and feels like she could help do something about it by recklessly joining the Survey Corps. She gains the attention of Levi Ackerman, who knows more about her than she likes.
1. Empty

[This is literally my first update in three years. I've gotten a lot of good feed back over the years for my PoT story despite all the typos (I will try to have less of those). Anyway, I recently watched AoT so I thought this was the best start to my come back. Thank you, enjoy.]

"I don't like that look in your eyes." I told the man standing before me. His permanent - intimidating eyes were looking down at me.

"I don't care what you think of me, you are better than some of these useless pigs that almost failed out of training!" Levi Ackerman raised his voice at me. He sighed. "I'm picking you to be in my squad for the next expedition."

As a soldier, this is insubordination, but something about this guy always made me on edge. From the moment I locked eyes with him, I could never tell what he was thinking. What his deal was. "Is it a direct order... sir?"

"Is wouldn't be asking you if it wasn't, would I?" Ackerman was unusually quiet most of the time, but what I've noticed is that he is easily angered. When he is angry he just throws out that calm demeanor and pampered look out the window and starts blurting out any insults that seem to pop out of his head. It might be safe to say that he is bipolar.

But I knew it didn't matter. This fucker would get his way. The commander seems to trust him. I made a fist and put it to my heart with my other arm behind my back. "I understand..."

"In private you don't have to do that... also if you're scared about encountering a Titan, don't worry about it. I won't let anything happen to you." Suddenly he was speaking calm again. I just looked off to the side as he spoke to me.

"I'm _not_ scared. I just do not trust you, but to be fair everyone I trusted is dead."

I could feel him just staring at me. "You have guts, Hosakawa. Just remember everyone out ranking you won't be as lenient as me, even if they find out you are the Commander-in-chiefs daughter."

I glared at him and grabbed his collar. "How the fuck do you know that?"

Surprisingly he kept calm even though I was holding him in a threatening way. "You can't use a different last name to fool me."

"That doesn't answer my question, Ackerman! I've kept it low profile, despite reaching the top ten in my class, and no one realized a thing. You know me for a week at most and this is what you find out?!" I let go of him and sighed. "Just don't tell anyone... please."

"I'll see you tomorrow." He leaves my room and I fall to the floor where I stood.

I'm sure by now my father knows what name I have under this military of his. I'm surprised he hasn't done anything. I expected him to drag me out of training within the first week or be at my door by now (which I thought he was about to do, but it ended up being Levi Ackerman just now) and ask for an explanation. But nothing. However, I don't care. I don't need him to save me. That ridiculous man can be all by himself...

Just thinking about him just reminded me of his face. I couldn't stand the serious glare he gave everyone. It's like he doesn't care about anyone anymore. Somewhere I feel like he wasn't always like this, but I can't gather up the memory of anything but his serious, uncaring face.

I got up and shuffled to my bed, plopped down and stared at the wall until I could finally clear my head enough to sleep.

"When I grow up I hope to be like you mommy, the greatest mom in the world!" I woke up to the sound of my past self and a picture of my mother's face smiling down at me. These innocent memories just seem like nightmares to me as I sit up panting, trying to grip to reality again. "She's not here anymore... she's gone." I had to remind myself. Why was I having these dreams again? Could it be because of the expedition?

I stretched out my hand and closed it several times for it was numb and shaking. I need to get a hold of myself. I'm not weak anymore.

Judging by the amount of light in my room, it will be about an hour or so before formation. I wasn't scared of dying by the titans because before I joined I had already decided that this world was too cruel to live in anyway. That sooner or later they were going to kill us all like they did before the walls were built. So at this point, it's kill or be killed.


	2. Almost

"Get out of the way!" I yelled and pushed one of the Survey Corps members to the side. Suddenly I find myself in the hands of a 8 meter titan. I'm going to die on my very first mission...

I'm going to die.

I look at the permanent, expressionless eyes of a monster. His smile freaks me out. A mouth that is unnecessarily large with teeth to match. Why are these monsters always smiling? Why are they eating people? This isn't fair. There's not much I can do to defend myself.

Suddenly I was a little girl again. I was helpless and afraid of these giant monsters that roam outside the walls. Afraid of not being able to live my life to the fullest. Afraid to be eaten by things that will just throw me up later. In the titans dead eyes, I could see my reflection: My jet black hair tied loosely to the side and my dark eyes just staring back at it, but... I looked so emotionless. So defeated. Did I really just give up with no signs of struggle? And of all moments, I remembered my mom... hopeless, defeated, falling... dead.

Then I look at the girl I just saved. Completely petrified. In complete shock that the roles could have been switched or was she upset that I just gave up so quickly? Her long blonde hair almost standing up and her green eyes just widened in horror.

She can still die here. Why is she just standing there? She needs to get out of here.

I snapped out of it for a minute. "What are you doing?! Run!" I demanded her.

But suddenly I fell to the ground and the Titan fell after me. I noticed part of his neck was cut off as I was being pulled out of the hands of the Titan.

A familiar voice called out to me. "Are you okay? Can you stand?" The man that promised that nothing would happen to me was calling out to me. Levi Ackerman. At first glance I just recognized his face as the super serious, dead in the eyes, person he was.

"I'm sorry, it's my fault it was coming right at me and it caught me by surprise." The girl said.

I was still staring at the hand of the monster and beyond that the eyes of it. Even in his steaming death, the face looked the same.

"Carrie!"

I snapped out of the trance and looked at him in the eyes. I just noticed that he was holding me close to him. In his eyes, he was generally concerned for me. "Yes, I can still stand. I can fight."

"I'm sorry, it was really my fault." The girl said.

"It's fine. I got it from here. Keep moving or the formation will be broken. We'll be right behind you." He said.

She did what she was told and used her 3D maneuver gear to move through the trees.

"Here, I'll help you up." He said as he pulled me up.

"Thank you. I-" I began to say, but he interrupted me.

"You can tell me later, now we need to move. What you did was brave, and you survived. With that in mind, we're vulnerable down here. We need to keep moving."

It didn't matter if I trusted him or not. I looked up at Levi and he was genuinely helping me. I heard a lot about him before I joined the military. He was making a name for himself as a merciless Titan killer, able to kill a lot of Titans by himself. If I want to continue living and want to do what I joined the Survey Corps for, I need to be like him... "Of course." I moved up through the branches to catch up with the rest of the squad.

I can't believe I let myself just give up like that. Even if it was for a minute, I let myself be defeated by that ridiculous Titan. I won't do that again... I can't.

I had to remember the expeditions goal today: eliminate as many titans as you can.

When we got back I noticed that only three other people that I graduated with got back of the twelve others that joined. I remember overhearing some of them while we were preparing for the mission. They were so excited to kill some Titans and come back feeling like heroes. It was just silence now as we rode back to the safety of the walls. Among the three that made it, the girl I saved earlier was one of them. At least I knew that the saving her wasn't in vain.

She noticed me and had her horse fall back to meet mine. Honestly, I couldn't even remember her name, but to be fair I didn't really want to learn anyone's name. "Thank you for what you did back there... I totally froze as soon as I saw it coming toward me. I thought it was a variant."

"It's okay… I would have done it for anyone."

"So, uh… how many did you kill? I actually managed to help take down two."

Five before I saved you and three after I saved you. "I got two." I lied.

"By yourself?!"

For the most part. "I got one by myself." At least that wasn't really a lie.

"That's amazing." She said, and suddenly I was kind of glad I didn't tell her the truth. "I think it's amazing that Levi saved you. I'm a little jealous." She started blushing.

"What? Why?" I was in the hands of the Titan, and I could have died.

"A lot of girls have crushes on him, though he's very unapproachable…" she looked forward, toward him. "He chose you to be on his team right? Well… I mean of course. You were in the top ten of the graduates...Sorry, you probably don't remember me."

"I just didn't really make friends… everyone was threatened by me."

"Well I'm Joyce." She smiled at me. "I'll stop bothering you, but consider me your first friend in the Survey Corps, Carrie. Thank you for saving me." She had her horse go back to where she was originally as we arrived into town. I remembered how it was as the bystanders watching the Survey Corps come back, I never understood why there was a mixture of excitement and disappointment when we left and came back. We did this for them… I don't see them fighting.

Spirits were low when we came back and as we were eating in the food hall. I sat on the end of the hall and just observed everyone. Everyone was just staring down at their food, eating quietly. Before we left, everyone was trying to brighten each others spirits and get excited for the expedition.

"Come see me when you're done, I'll be in the debriefing room." Levi came over to say to me.

I watched him walk away, probably already headed to the debriefing room.

I quickly finished my food and walked toward the debriefing room. I didn't know why I was being asked to meet him there. I put my hand on the door and for some reason I hesitated.

"Stop hesitating and get in here!" I heard him yell.

I sighed and opened the door.

I've never seen the debriefing room. It was mostly plain. It had four wooden chairs surrounding a table. Levi was sitting at a chair facing me, holding a pencil with some paper in front of him.

"Close the door behind you."

I did what he told me to do and sat down across of him.

"What the hell was that back there? I know you're new, but I expected a little more from you." I assume this was Levi's legendary insulting tone.

"What is this…"

"Debriefing, isn't obvious? You gave up as soon as you were captured. You were still holding your blades and could have sliced your way out of there. You choked." He sighed, took a deep breath. "Sorry…"

"You're apologizing…?"

"As your team leader I am supposed to debrief you, especially since you're new and in a near – death situation. Why didn't you fight back? Why did you freeze?"

"I don't know."

We sat there for a while. "You thought about your mom didn't you…"

"Isn't it normal to see dead people during a near-death experience?"

"The way she died affected you… that's why you froze. You saw her while you were about to be eaten because that's how she died right?"

I shot out of my seat. "What do you know about that?!"

"The second reason why I picked you was because no one knows anything about you. You have a fake name and your background is completely fake. Anyone else that would have had you on their team wouldn't know what they're getting into, and you're endangering everyone else."

"Tell me what you know about my mother…" I demanded.

"She was eaten by Titans when you were young."

"How do you know that?"

He stood up and lifted his shirt to reveal a nasty scar on the side of his stomach. It stretched itself across part of his abs, like a crack in Wall Maria. It looked years old. I had no clue why he was showing me his scar.

"You've lost me…"

"Tell me about that day." He tucked his shirt back in and walked around the table so he was closer to me. I didn't say anything. "You don't need to trust me, but that girl you saved and many other people are going to or already trust you. You don't need to come clean about who you really are, but you need to tell me what happened. All this isn't healthy."

I started shaking. "I killed eight Titans today half of them were by myself. I don't think my mother's death is affecting my performance!"

"Is it driving you? What if you give up again? Do you want to join your mom?"

"I'm not joining her."

"Tell me what happened that day." He said while looking irritated.

"I've never talked about that day and you can be sure I'm not telling you today! You seem to know everything, what are you? A psychic? Cause that scar doesn't tell me anything. Are you just trying to show off your body to me?" I was breathing heavily, deeply frustrated by this situation. "I'm leaving."

I try to turn around for the door but he grabs my hand, and turns me around.

"I couldn't save you."

"What? Stop acting all weird!" He pushes me against the wall. "Levi…" He starts leaning toward me. "Wha-what…" I shut my eyes but nothing happens. I look up at him.

"I'm sorry…"


	3. My Confession

"Look away, Carrie!" My mom yelled out. "It will be over soon. I love you, Carrie." But it didn't end… it's not over yet. I could hear her words echo over and over. It's never over, not for me.

I woke up crying. This doesn't happen often, honestly. I dreamt about my mom like this once a year, maybe. Ever since I joined the Survey Corps, I've been dreaming about that day. It just became worse after Levi talked to me. He knows too much about me and I knew nothing about him.

Also, what was going on? Was he going to kiss me that night?

I wiped my cheeks. I've actually been debating on telling Levi about everything, but I've kept it all a secret for the longest time… I just want to forget about it.

It was still late, but I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway, so I got dressed and walked outside. I looked around, and I was upset that I saw a familiar figure in the distance. Of course he was a night owl. The dark circles under his eyes didn't show up for nothing.

He was looking straight up at the sky and then he saw me and motioned me over.

I sighed, but he saw me and we couldn't avoid this awkward tension forever. I walked over to him.

"Follow me." He said as I arrived. I followed him to a more private area away from the soldier barracks. "So, I'll try something different to get you to talk.

"And that is…?" Almost afraid to ask. Not too long ago he was about to kiss me. Or maybe he was just trying to freak me out. Though both seem to make no sense at all…

He sighed and put his hand to his head like he was trying to gather the words. He didn't look like his usual angry self or seem emotionless. I didn't know how to react to a sudden change like that. "My mother died when I was young, she got sick. I didn't have anyone after she died." Was he trying to make me feel like I wasn't alone. "She was a prostitute, she probably got sick from one of her clients." While he was telling me all of this, I didn't know what to say or feel. "That's where you came in."

"Wait, what?" I was surprised because I didn't know what he was talking about.

"Your mom apparently came below the capitol to try to help my mother. She tried to help her when she was sick and took care of me. That's how I met you, she brought you to help."

"You're making this up." I started laughing like this was all a joke.

"I knew you wouldn't remember because a couple of days later was when your mom died."

"You brought me food everyday and tried to cheer me up even if I pretty much gave up on life. She even talked about saving money for me to live on the surface."

I didn't doubt that my mom came to help someone in need because she was that kind of person, I just didn't remember any of this. It sounds too much like my mom to be a lie.

"I blamed myself for what happened to your mom."

I was shocked. "What… now you've really lost me."

"Her last moments of life was my fault."

"How could you say that? You don't know anything…" but that wasn't true. He knew more than most people do. It really doesn't make any sense. Only a few people knew about my mother, but they had to be there to know.

This is all a mind trick… to get me to talk. It has to be.

"Stop fucking with my mind."

"I'm telling you the truth."

I started shaking, getting tired of the situation. "No you don't! Stop acting like you do! No one else knows what happened!"

"You got kidnapped because you were below the capitol helping me!"

"Did you tell Darius' wife to kidnap my mom and me?! Did you tell them to beat and rape my mom so his wife can have her revenge?!" I suddenly blurted out, and I covered it soon after. Tears started flowing put of my eyes. I tried to wipe it away and hide it from him. "I have to go." I ran away through the nearby forest. I've never said that to anybody the secret I kept for so long. Only I knew that she did that. I said everything that I kept in all these years, I said it all to someone I didn't trust. I tried to rely on myself and no one else, and I failed.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. I was so focused on running and the thoughts in my head that I didn't realize someone was following me. They pulled on my arm, forcing me to stop running. I saw that it was Levi. Of course he caught up to me.

"Leave me alone! I don't want to tell you anymore!" I yelled. "You told me all those lies so I would tell you! Now you know!"

He didn't say anything, he just drew me closer and hugged me. It just made me cry more and more.

"Let me go, you idiot! Let me go!" I started gasping between words and lurching him in the chest. "You… idiot. I… hate you."

He just let me do it until I got tired. We sat against a tree for what seemed like hours until I calmed down.

"Why did you think it was tour fault?" I suddenly asked.

"I thought you were kidnapped because you were below the capitol… but even if it wasn't my fault you got kidnapped I couldn't save you and your mom. I was so weak and pathetic back then."

"Is that how you got your scar?"

"You really don't remember the whole thing?"

"No, just bits and pieces. Why did you want me to tell you all this?"

"I saw what they were doing to her… she only tried to help me, I was going to kill them and save the both of you. I failed. I was able to get one of them, but another kicked me down and stabbed me. Weakly, your mom ripped off part of her dress and gave it to me. She told me to protect you if we got out of there. I owe her for my life.

"I heard you were adopted by Darius Zackly. So I thought you would be okay. Now that I look back it was very lazy of me to think so. Then, I saw you among the new recruits and I knew my job wasn't over just yet."

"Do you know if my father knows about me?"

"He might. Erwin informed the other squad leaders and team leaders about you. He might as you why you joined."

"You didn't tell him?"

"That's not my job. My job is to be your team leader and to protect you."

"Do you know how ridiculous you sound? You don't have to do that, she asked you to do that years ago when she thought I was going to die down there. I'm fine."

"I don't care what you think about me. It's something I need to do. I was too empty to gather up the strength to thank her for everything she did, this is all I can do for her now."

"Fine, whatever... I don't care what you do. But I have one last question for now." I looked him in the eyes, it was too dark to try to see what he was thinking. "Were you trying to kiss me yesterday?"

Despite being covered by the night, he avoided my eyes. "I shouldn't do that as your team leader." He said avoiding saying yes or no to my question.

I was probably really emotional from the confessions and the crying, but for some reason I wanted him to kiss me. I had to use every ounce of dignity and power I had left to not lean forward and kiss him.

Almost sounding irritated he said, "If you want to do it, no one's stopping you. Just don't regret your actions afterward."

I felt flustered, embarrassed, and guilty all at the same time. My face felt really hot. "I can't… I don't know what this is… I- I better go!" I got up and started to walk away still feeling embarrassed about the whole situation.


	4. Assignment

[I just started working at a new job, so I do not know how often I will be able to update. I will try to update as much as possible! Thank you so much. I appreciate any input you have on my story.]

"You want me to do what?" I asked, completely caught off guard with the commander's request.

"We know you're Carrie Zackly, the adopted daughter of the Commander in Chief." Erwin said. Of course he did, if he didn't know then he wouldn't be the man I thought he was. "Why you hid that from us doesn't matter. Instead of going on the next expedition, we need you to help gather information."

"And that involves spying on my father? Do you expect him to be guilty of something?"

"Is he guilty of something?" The thing about Commander Erwin, he was full of secrets, and, from what I've observed over the years, he has a way of finding everyone else's secrets. Although, it would be hard for people to turn against him because he is well respected. If I were to ever go against anyone in the military, whether it be terms of skill, public opinion, or knowledge he would be a tough opponent. I just wonder how much he knew about my father, I just couldn't be the one to share what information I had.

"How does this help the Survey Corps with their mission? I thought we were researching Titans, not acting as spies on our own people."

"You've never been suspicious of our lack of Knowledge? According to our History the Titans come out of nowhere. Why do you think it's recorded like that?"

Then I realized. He knows a lot more about me than I thought. "Why would I know something like that?" When the higher ups were first teaching us about Titans I had asked one of them to fill the holes in history… they told me to not speak of it again if I wanted to continue working as a soldier. Someone had told Erwin about this…

"If you don't trust me now, I understand. I don't necessarily need you to trust me with your thoughts, but I know you want to know the truth. This is how we will get closer to it."

"Can I safely assume that I am not going to be protected if I get caught? That this is a life and death situation for me?"

"I can't guarantee your safety, just like when we go beyond the walls. The only difference is you'll be completely alone."

"I guess I have no choice." I sighed.

"There's always a choice, just don't regret it later. We'll go into further detail tomorrow. For now, you're dismissed."

I saluted him and left his office.

How am I supposed to know who to trust in times like these. I knew from an early age that you can never fully trust people. In some ways we are all strangers, even the people we know could be hiding the most important details.

Then I saw the man I have been avoiding for the past few days across the hall. Ever since I tried to kiss him, I've felt embarrassed. Can I trust Levi? He saved my life, but that doesn't mean he deserves my complete faith. Every time we talk, something triggers. Memories start flowing, and I've replayed them so many times it almost seems unreal.

So when I avoid Levi, I don't have to remember. But the memories are problems I've been dealing with my whole life, the other problems I'm having are hard to avoid after a certain period of time. Levi became my prime concern. It wasn't Titans or being a spy for Erwin… it was him. I almost kissed him and he wouldn't give me a straight answer if he was going to kiss me that night. The more I thought about it, the more ridiculous it seemed. Why would someone out ranking me be interested in me.

If only all things could be reasonably solved with ignorance and two blades. But all my problems aren't Titans and memories anymore.

"Come with me." Levi said.

Why was I following him? Is this all just pure curiosity? I need to stop… but I need to know.

He lead me to a secluded area away from the barracks, but not too far from our headquarters.

Levi stood there in the moonlight. Usually he always looks angry or tired, but he actually seemed more relaxed. I don't know how I could tell, even if his face naturally made him look pissed off.

"Have you been avoiding me?" Levi said, he also looked slightly ominous with his naturally angry eyes slightly showing in the moon light.

I put my head down. "Don't be ridiculous, I've been training… you know that." But it was true. I couldn't be around Levi without thinking I was going to do something I regret. Especially being alone with him, like I was right now.

He stepped closer to me, and even after I stepped back he would walk closer. I kept walking till my back hit the wall. He put his hand against the wall and I could look directly in his eyes. His eyes always looked so empty, like he was trying to feel nothing, but he also feels as if he doesn't have anything. I was completely surrounded by him, taking in all the details and analyzing everything about him.

"Don't be dumb, I know you're trying hard to hide the fact that you like this."

He was reading me wasn't he? I'm just a book carelessly left open on a table thinking no one would come by to read me. But there's Levi Ackerman, completely interested in the contents.

"Shut up… you don't know what I like. Besides isn't this bad for you? You shouldn't be seen with anyone lower ranking than you." I said trying to restrain myself from yelling.

He moved closer to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "Does it look like I care?" His voice struck me, paralyzing me in an addictive mixture of seduction and… I didn't even know at the time. I was trying to fight the feeling off, but I could feel that this is something Levi had been wanting for a while. "Do you want to kiss me?" his hand moved up to my chin. He was more than just a brutal Titan killer… more than the trusted and strong soldier. At least at this moment he was. I was seeing more of him than anyone has ever seen.

I tried avoiding his eyes. "Stop teasing me…This is all just a big joke to you isn't? You're trying to humiliate me."

And then he actually smirked. "Why would I do that?" Then, he kissed me. It took me a while to notice that our lips were touching because it was so unexpected. I expected it to be forced and tough, but it was actually gentle and breath-taking. What was he doing to me? Even if I was completely entranced by him, my body still tensed up. "Relax… just trust me." Then he kissed me again, and I actually kissed him back.


	5. Conflict of Interest

Earlier that day I had to pretend that I was going on an expedition with the rest of the corps. Erwin placed me on the back of the formation, so I could easily slip out and go back to the walls. I collected some information my father had in his office and some other suspicious people. All of this happened before everyone came back and I had to make it look like I came back with them.

Even with all my hard work I ended up standing next to a furious Levi in front of Commander Erwin.

"If she gets caught she can be executed for treason!" Levi yelled.

"Is this less or more dangerous than traveling outside the walls?" Erwin said, defending himself.

I sighed. "Levi… you can't speak for me. I'm fine with it."

That just made Levi more angry. "You can't let her die too!" At this point I was lost. Many soldiers died along side us, even if we mourn them when we come back, I've never seen Levi react like this to a death. "I can't lose her too."

"That's not up to you is it? It is completely up to her."

"She's- I'm…" I was shocked because I have never seen Levi lost for words.

"You're her team leader? As of this morning I believe she was assigned to another team." He paused and looked at him for a moment and then looked down. "You've been pretty loyal and you have proven yourself since you've joined a year ago. Can I trust you to follow my lead? Do you regret following my lead back then?"

I looked at Levi and he actually seemed like he was in an internal conflict with himself.

"If she's in another team, there won't be a conflict of interest when someone finds out about your little affair." So he did know, but why wouldn't he..? But it was slightly weird that he is actually protecting us. "So be grateful, no matter how slight that gratuity is."

"She can still get herself killed."

"Trust in my abilities, please." I begged him.

He looked at me, completely shocked. But then he stormed put of the room.

"Go… but I expect a full report by the end of the week." Erwin said.

"Thank you… but before I go, whatever you think my father is involved in is just a cover. I don't think my father wants to be part of this. As you know, everything is just a poor illusion to insure us that we're safe."

"No matter what. We must find this library… focus on that goal. Don't worry too much about Levi. He wouldn't force you to waste your skills."

I nodded and thanked him, then I left the room to look for Levi.

I found him on the roof of the headquarters. He was looking at the stars, he looked so defeated. "You only joined a year ago? When people talk about you they make it sound like you have been in for years." Trying to lighten up the mood. "You're so trusted among everyone and there are so many people that look to you for hope."

"I don't want them to look at me like that… none of that matters."

"Levi… what I am doing is just as important as gathering information beyond the wall."

"I know… but why you?"

"Probably because of the fact that my father is the Commander in Chief… if I get captured I might slide with jail time instead of being executed. 'Might' is the key word… unfortunately."

"I blindly follow his lead, but he still puts you in danger." He said, sounding like he didn't even hear me.

"Levi…" I touched his shoulder. "I'm just another soldier."

"No… don't fucking say that!" His sorrow turned into rage, not ready to admit defeat. "I promised I would protect you… I can't protect you when you're back here and I am out there! I was looking for you… I thought you were eaten. Then I saw your horse come out of nowhere when we came back. I thought I lost you."

"I am so sorry… but I wasn't allowed to tell you."

He just stayed silent.

"Levi… What did you mean by you don't want to lose me too?" It couldn't be his mom, he was talking about something more recent. It had to be while he was in the corps if Erwin knew about it. I was almost afraid to ask him.

"I had two friends join the Survey Corps the same time as me… I wanted them to stay behind in our first expedition. They insisted they would be fine, and I trusted them. They were killed by a Titan and all because of my selfish reasons." While he was telling me this story in short details, I understood Levi a little more… I was seeing more and more of him that not many get to see. "I will not let you die like they did, nor will I have you die by the hands of the stupid king."

"I won't." I tried to tell him sounding reassuring. "I have my own goals… and I won't die until I achieve them."

"What goals are those?"

I smiled. "Maybe I will tell you some other time." I didn't know what I was doing… I was trying to cheer him up. Maybe because he was so genuinely sad at that time, I felt like he needed me there. Maybe I was finally tired of the angry and almost lifeless looks Levi had, or I was just done with all the depressing things on the world.

"Will you at least tell me why you joined the Survey Corps?" Levi has asked me a lot of serious questions since we met again, not that I remember much about our first encounter. I feel like I should be doing the same. I just don't know if that time is now.

"I joined the Survey Corps because I realized that I could never completely live my life the way I want to with Titans roaming about. As a child I wondered why anyone would continue to bring their children into a world that lives in constant fear, to live in a world where we stand around and wait for them to destroy the human race. I wanted to take back my Future, my dream. My stupid, simple, common dream."

"Huh..."

"'Huh' that's it?" I was slightly disappointed. I actually gave him a full-hearted response. But maybe I should start asking him some questions... "Levi… what are we doing?" I bluntly asked him.

"What do you mean?"

"Um… you kissed me a few nights ago. I understand that you feel you owe my mom something, so that's why you want to protect me. But… I don't understand the rest of it." Maybe I was confused at the time because I never felt like that before. I was always alone and Levi was being the only constant person. "If I think I know what I'm feeling… I just want to know from your side if it's the same thing…" My heart was just racing. I went from trying to avoid Levi and refusing to trust him to being absolutely terrified of rejection. I didn't like it. I was putting myself in a vulnerable position.

"I don't know myself…" He admitted. "I just need you. I need you to stay alive."

I smiled. It wasn't a clear answer. It was probably a better answer if I was asked the same thing, but I need to survive to find out more. We weren't in control of what was going to happen to either of us. Even if we tried to completely control it, anything could happen. Even if we know that reality… we will try to fight the odds. "That goes the same for you. You need to survive too."


	6. A Possible Ally

I participated in every other expedition. Right now, due to trying to get money for our expeditions we had them every other month. Even then I was still constantly gathering information for Commander Erwin. He was also helpful with me, allowing me to confirm my suspicions. He supplied me with information as I gave him my information.

Somewhere out there somebody knows how the Titans came to be. They didn't just come out of nowhere like everyone believes. There's no possible way that someone wasn't able to see them. Life just doesn't naturally work that way.

Though, we can't prove much. Most books were made illegal by the king. Anything about the outside world was banned. To a regular person, they wouldn't question it because they didn't want to get in trouble. To someone like Erwin and I, it was suspicious. The books we were allowed to have never added up. None of it made sense.

But Erwin told me that there was rumors of a library. Books that are illegal that weren't destroyed. Even if he thinks there's a slim chance of this kind of place existing… I feel like I remember something.

"I think I've been to this library before…" I cautiously said.

Erwin actually didn't seem surprised.

"You knew…"

"I just had suspicions. Your mother was Asian, right?"

"Yes." I said, slightly confused with his question.

"There's a reason there are only a few Asians within the walls. It was only a theory, but I think some were made to keep quiet. Some of them were allowed to live, and, naturally, they made some of the people stay silent… permanently."

"Why?"

"It has to do with something that happened almost a hundred years ago. Most or the population was affected by it, but some weren't affected. That's why I wanted you for this. If that same thing happened you might not be affected by it."

"But you don't know what that is."

"Like I said... we could be completely blind to what's going on. But we need to know."

I sighed. "I know, but I was young when I went to this library… I don't remember where it is. Even if we find it, it could already be destroyed."

Sometimes when I came to report to the commander, I could tell that he was hiding how personal this mission really was. I never revealed what I thought about it because I don't know how resourceful he is… though I trusted him enough to exchange secrets like this.

"Now… what I really wanted to tell you was what I told you months ago. I think my father is just playing the role."

"Can you explain?"

"When I was first adopted by him I would see him angrily talking to himself. Like… he strongly hated something. At first I thought he was just frustrated since he was rising in the ranks at the time, but I think now that he might be slightly insane…" As I said this, Erwin seriously took it all in, like what I was saying wasn't crazy even if I felt that if I told anyone else this… they would just ignore me or call me insane. "It especially happened when government officials came by the house. Except when they came by it was slightly more extreme. He'd watch them leave, and when they were gone he would stab something… like he was pretending to kill someone."

"Hm… he might be an ally to our cause then."

"You're kidding right? He could also be very dangerous and unstable!"

"Insane or not, he hates the government for some reason. You haven't been able to find what he hates about it?"

"Not right now. He mostly keeps to himself, he still has those bits of rage whenever he meets someone that has anything to do with the king."

"Okay… we'll find out soon enough. For now do what you've been doing, but focus more on your father so we can find why he hates them." I don't know his plan… just like Levi we were blindly following him, but he seems to have most of it figured out… "Now, was there anything you wanted to know?"

"I know you can't exactly prove this…"Just like most of the information he gives me. "…but I've had suspicious about it myself for the longest time. It's about my real father. Is Darius Zackly my real father? Not just my adopted father...?"

"It's possible. He has never had children of his own, and you already know that Zackly's late wife had your mother killed because of jealousy. I'm just surprised this wasn't the first thing you asked me."

I sighed. "I didn't want to believe it myself… do you think I will go crazy like him?"

"Are we not crazy now?"

I sighed again. "I guess you're right…" but I don't want to end up like my father…

"We'll discuss the details of the next operation later. For now, resume to your normal duties."

I saluted him and left. I wonder how long this will last. I wonder how long I would survive like this… would my dad help me if I was captured? Would Levi? Could they help me…? I thought about that multiple times. Was I really that scared of death?

When I wasn't sneaking around and finding evidence of the King and his people covering up the truth behind our whole history, I was stuck in a boring pre-formation in the court yard of the Survey Corps headquarters. If the Survey Corps had an official slogan it would be: Join the Survey Corps! We do important stuff like wait around and occasionally slay Titans (at least more than anyone else) or you are probably dead.

Dark but true.

I sighed as I overheard some of the girls gossiping around the court yard I guess even soldiers need to gossip in their spare time. "Did you hear? Commander Erwin has requested Levi Ackerman to go to the ball!"

"What?" Another girl says, but I don't recognize who said it.

"I wonder if he will bring a date!" Another says.

I try to block out all this gossip. It's enough that I basically have this weird crush on Levi like every other girl here. It's bad enough that we pretty much sneak around from time to time!

I was just trying to relax and mind my own business in the court yard, but I couldn't help but listen in... was that bad?

"Knowing Levi... he's probably going to go by himself." A girl said sounding very disappointed.

"Still, I heard that he usually doesn't go, so this is our chance!"

"Is that him? That is! He's coming over here." They all started freaking out.

He came over to me and handed me something. It was a letter. "It's from your father." He immediately said. Always straight to the point. I didn't know if I liked that about him or I was just strangely obsessed with him. But I know that I strangely like that he goes on random, unnecessarily long tangents when insulting people. It might be because I think it's hilarious.

I looked at the letter and back at him. Is this a letter with him finally kicking me out of the military for whatever reason? I've been aware that he knows I joined the military, but would he kick me out to keep me safe?

"Also, we've been requested to go to the ball."

I thought I had misheard him, and probably had this stupid and confused look on my face. "Wait... you said we?"

"Erwin said it was mandatory for you to come."

I sighed. "I was just in his office. Why didn't he tell me himself?"

"Do you think I know what Erwin is thinking half the time? I wouldn't know." Even when he obviously likes me, even just a little, he got a little snappy with me. At the time it was also probably because he pretty much only gets a few hours of sleep. Not my fault.

"Well, I rather be guarding the wall for twenty-four hours... Even fourty-eight is fine with me. Or maybe even fixing the cracks in the walls with my own flesh..."

"You're going." He snapped and looked at me like he was almost threatening me.

I sighed again. I dreaded going. I dreaded going somewhere that included socializing. My father often took me to stupid things like that.

"You can accompany me as my date." Wait, was he asking me... in his own stupid way.

"You're kidding me right? I mean, the girls over there seem quite interested in you asking them."

He sighed and glared at me. "You're refusing my request?"

"You were seriously asking me? That sounded more like a suggestion."

He groaned. "Will you come with me to the ball?"

"You realize this is a public event, right? If we are asked to attend, then there are going to be tons of people asking us questions and keeping eyes on our every move."

"Does it look like I care? If I have to go, then I'll go and make fun of those lazy, disgusting, rich pigs."

I almost laughed at his comment. "Can I wear a dress instead of the issued uniform?"

"I've been told that the women can wear a dress of their choosing."

"Then I will." Though my confident sounding self I was fighting the nerves to just break down and start being a nervous wreck. But I actually pulled it off.

After I confirmed his invitation he simply walked away, like it was nothing. It was slightly insulting that he didn't at least give me a small smile, but he actually asked me above all his other fan girls.

"What did he say?" Suddenly a swarm of girls were huddled around me.

"Uhh..." Was all I could say in this very uncomfortable situation. I almost felt claustrophobic and I've almost been inside a mouth of a Titan while being gripped tightly, yet things like this made me nervous. "He came to deliver my mail." I lied.

"Team leaders don't usually do that. They usually tell you to check the mail yourself." One objected. "And he isn't you're team leader." "Besides he was talking to you for a while. Too long for a mail delivery."

"It was there for a while, he saw it and... He scolded me for not checking my mail." I didn't know why I was so good at lying to people... it was kind of terrifying.

They seemed satisfied with my answer. "Well, maybe one of us should just ask him!" One of them said, acting very excited. Did I feel bad about lying to them? Just a little.

The crowd went their separate ways and I was finally left by myself before we started our usual exercises.

"What did he actually tell you." It was Joyce that smirked. "Levi mumbles slightly, but I could still tell what he was saying by reading both of your lips. At least I could read yours because, you don't mumble." She poked me while she talked about me.

Joyce was my friend, at least she says we are. Honestly, just as long as she doesn't notice I sneak put at night to meet with Levi or sneak put of our expeditions to go and spy on Erwin, she was good in my book. "I have to go to the ball, apparently." I groaned.

"You were formerly invited?" she said sounding very impressed.

"I don't know. Feels more like an order. Maybe I'm going to be there for secret security." Not saying I wasn't going to hide a knife somewhere anyway…

"Have fun with Levi then, I think all the girls would be jealous." She giggled.

"Wait, what? I didn't say anything about going with Levi."

"Yeah, but it's obvious he also asked you." She laughed again. "None of the other girls realize they don't stand a chance against you."

I was afraid that Joyce was way smarter than I thought she was. "Why do you say that?"

"The day he saved you, the day you also saved me…it just seemed like he wanted to save you. He needed to. Not as a teammate or just a person. He looked at you and held you like he was scared to lose you forever." She smiled at me. "I don't think he realized that at that split second he let his emotional guard down. So don't tell him I told you that." She put her pointer finger against her lips, signaling that it should be a secret between us.

I smiled at her. Nothing like an outside perspective to make something feel more real, like all this work was worth it for a while. I looked at my father's letter and decided to put it in my pocket, so I could worry about it later.


	7. Revelation

[Sorry it took so long to post an update! I needed to do some writer's research... in a way. I recently went to a military ball, and even though I had gone to one before, I forgot what it was like, so I waited till I had done my "research." Thanks for the wait and enjoy!]

* * *

"Why..." I grumbled between "Why did I agree to this?"

"Because even though you don't think so, you are like every other girl and you want to dress up and look like a princess." Joyce had told me as she helped me put on my dress.

"This whole... princess thing sucks though." I sighed. She doesn't know that I used to do stuff like this as a child. Darius Zackly would attend stupid events that many of the nobles would hold and end up bringing me along. I'm sure he brought me along for appearances, to show others that the daughter he adopted is alive and well. What I hated most were the questions that all the adults would ask me. Just empty, stupid questions they think they could ask an orphan child. I was sure that, even as an adult, I would get the same stupid, empty, inconsiderate questions. People deep within the walls have no worries... no cause for alarm as they have their parties and play their games.

Joyce just laughed at me. "Well the other thing about most girls, is that they want to look good for the man that they like." Joyce said, teasing me about my feelings for Levi.

I just sighed.

"No matter how much you try to hide it, I can see it." She sang. "Of course you fall for a man that so many girls have been in love with since he created a name for himself."

"Well, I knew him before the name and before the military."

"What?!" She was completely shocked. I keep forgetting that Joyce knows nothing about me and that I rarely tell her about myself. "I thought he was an orphan that lived Underground before he joined the military. Did you live Underground?"

"No, at least I think I didn't..." I tried to be as vague as possible, but it is also true that I don't remember a lot. "Levi's mother was friends with mine apparently."

"He's just stuck on you then." She joked.

"I don't know. Levi is confusing, I'm sure once every other girl gets to actually know him, they would run in the opposite direction." Which didn't explain me, the more I knew about him, the more I wanted to be closer. "Those girls would be better off trying to find a guy that is nice and more honest about themselves. Dark and mysterious types are just cool from a distance."

"Woah, aren't you trying to be the wise love guru?"

"I'm just saying..." Though, I didn't know what I was really talking about, nor did I know why I was saying this to her.

"It would just be easier if you just say that Levi loves you and trust you. You're probably the only person that he can love."

Sometimes I didn't know why I talked to Joyce and hung out with her. Then, she says something that just brightens up my thinking of everything, especially my thoughts of Levi and I.

I just smiled at her.

"Well, _anyway_ , you are done. Have a look, you'll be the center of the party!"

"I hope not." I said sarcastically.

"Well, I'm going to get ready myself. Thanks for helping me find a date!" She said excited.

"Thanks for helping me with all the stuff I am _horrible_ at."

She just smiled as she left my room.

Now that she left, I shuffled over to my desk and took out a piece of paper.

 ** _To Carrie_**

 ** _I am glad to hear that you are doing well after you left._**

 ** _I've been worried that with dangers ahead of you that I have failed as your father._**

 ** _Although, I am not in control of everything the military and it's regiment's does, I still hear many good things about you._**

 ** _I hope for your safety, even though you do not think so I care about you._**

 ** _You're still my family, and one of the only things I can still bring myself to care about._**

 ** _I had asked Erwin to bring you to the ball. We might not be able to interact due to the events, but I will be glad to see you alive and well._**

 ** _-Love, Darius Zackly._**

 ** _P.S. The dress may need to be tailored. You know where to go._**

I looked at the letter, read it over and over. Half of the time I took hold of it, I just stared at it without really processing it's content. I would stare at the script on the paper as if it were a canvas with a hidden message. I folded it up and locked it away. I looked at myself in the mirror one last time. My dress was dark red, a corset that squeezed everything out of me, as most of the fancy dresses did. I thought my arms, after my training, looked too bulky to be uncovered. Though, I haven't really stared at myself in the mirror and worried about my appearance, nor did I see myself in a dress since I was little. The corset had white lace all over it.

* * *

The sounds of a horse trotting away followed by wheels were the only sounds that accompanied Levi, myself, and...Erwin. I know he was the one that ordered us to go... but just being in the carriage with him was slightly awkward and awful.

"Are you armed?" Erwin asked.

"Always." I said.

"Really? Always...?" Levi asked.

"Yeah, aren't you?"

He just looked out the window and said, "Of course."

"These events, although they are meant to be an event to celebrate the soldiers and all that they do, many people don't realize that it is where most people have their guards down. So while others are relaxed, we must have out guard up at all times."

"Is there a reason we were specifically called to this... _event_." Levi scowled.

"No idea, Zackly just specifically requested that you two need to be there. Carrie for obvious reasons, but Levi... not so much."

Levi sighed. "It better not be a stupid reason."

We were pulling in to the event. Erwin stepped out of the carriage first and Levi followed.

"Remember, Levi... be a gentleman to Carrie." Levi looked back at me and extend his arm. I took it, as he helped me out of the carriage. "At least.. in public... in front of Darius Zackly."

Levi grumbled.

I looked to see the hall that the parties would be constantly held. I just wanted to turn back and go on the carriage and be carried away.

"If I am going in, you are too." Levi said, as if he knew my need to escape this whole thing. "If you're worried about how you look, you shouldn't be." He held out his elbow, signalling me to take his arm.

I sighed.

"I don't get gratitude for the compliment."

"Maybe if you put it in the form of an actual compliment." I laughed. At least Levi was here this time. I always felt alone at the events that I would attend. I was forced to go, and yet I had nothing to do but eat the food and watch the people be fools.

Levi sighed. "You look beautiful, no doubt about it."

I smiled. "Thank you, you officially have my gratitude."

We walked into the brightly lit hall. Many people were gathered in the hallway leading to the ball room. I was amazed to see all the people that were already here, and hated the stares that accompanied those people as we walked in. The stares mostly came from girls that looked at Levi in amazement and then to me in disgust. This "social hour" will just be a complete delight.

"I rather fight titans right now, than have all these girls stare at me as if they were going to kill me." I said to Levi.

"I'm sure most of the people here can take you on." He assured me.

"Those are the words I really needed to hear." I joked. "I just love standing in this room, waiting for the guest of honor, Commander-in-chief, Darius Zackly."

Two loud thuds sounded the room, and everyone in the room focused their attention on the sound that was toward the entrance. "If I could have your attention, the guest of honor has arrived!" The people cleared the walkway marked by the red and gold rug.

"Well... I guess that wasn't long." I whispered to Levi. "I'm actually grateful... I'm hungry."

The doors closed shut behind our respected, but scruffy and old Commander. He mostly looked forward, only turning his head to nod at the Commanders and some of the captains that were spread out through the hall. He met eyes with me and nodded. His serious, unchanging face just looked at me.

The doors opened in front of him and the crowd lined up to be escorted to their seats. If no one felt like sheep, they should now. Even though I didn't like being here, I really liked the meaning behind all of it. The appreciation for the military, no matter the branch. Many nobles contributed to make this event possible, even though most probably would contribute to save face for their future benefits.

"Ah, Levi Ackerman and Carrie Hosakawa, this way." The usher said to us, spotting us behind a few people. "Please make way." He said to the others in front of us. While we were completely confused, we continued into the ball room. I gazed upon the familiar candle chandeliers and the familiar structure of the pillars and walls. Slight changes in color, but I remember seeing the color change constantly depending on the event that was held. Today the ball room was blue and gold. The lights successfully brightening the whole room. Numerous people stared at us while the usher escorted us through the ball floor, in the middle of all the tables, to the front of the room.

I sighed. "Why...?"

"What's wrong?" Levi asked.

"We're being taken to the front, where everyone can see us... it must mean we are being honored for something."

"I wouldn't know... these events are unfamiliar to me."

"That's right... you lived in the Underground. In some ways I am _envious_ of you."

Levi smiled at me. "My friends would have been angry to hear you say something like that."

I gasped. That's right... his friends tried so hard to live on the surface. Not long after, they died... "Sorry, I didn't mean anything by it."

"I'm aware that I sound intimidating to others when I talk, but not everything I say is meant to be mean. That counts especially toward you."

"Here are your seats." The usher said. "Please enjoy the event." He pulled out our seats.

"Thank you." I said as he left.

After a few minutes everyone sat down. The room was loud, as the conversations of everyone seemed to bounce off the walls. While we waited, I had told Levi of my memories in this building and greeted some of the nobles and captains that were sitting on the table with us.

Two loud thuds sounded again, this time toward the front of the room, where we were. "The festivities will begin, all soldiers please stand and salute to the raising of each of the regiment's colors." Most of the room rose and saluted as we saw our flags raise at the front of the room. "Thank you, you may be seated. Now, if I could introduce the Commander-In-Chief, Darius Zackly."

Everyone clapped as he walked to the front of the room, right onto the stage's podium. "Thank you all for coming. The festivities today wouldn't be possible without the contributions from the many nobles that wanted you all to have fun tonight. They appreciate all your hard work that you spend away from your families to keep everyone else's safe." His speech was eloquent and clear. But from what I remember, he delivered a similar speech before he became Commander-in-chief. I remembered fragments from when he brought me to a military ball before. "Through my years of service, I have come to see how strong each generation really is. Even though we are strong, our casualties are still high.

"That bring's me to the table in front of me, below the stage, a table that is empty, but we still set a place for someone to sit. This table, the empty seat, represents everyone we lost so far. Everyone that has fought beside us for this moment and every event, every mission, every day after this. We will never forget those sacrifices for as long as we live. Those sacrifices toward human advancement. Let us give our hearts to those people we lost."

We stood once more and saluted to his words. Why do they move me so much? I thought of my mom, the only person I could think of close to me I lost to a Titan... But there are so many in this room who have the same loss on this battlefield. I looked over to Levi, he knows the loss of all people, to lose people who were like family. Would I share that pain with everyone else in this room? Would he have to go through it again?

"Thank you. Now the respective commanders of each regiment will join me to honor selected soldiers."

"Damn it all..." I whispered under my breath. "Please no..." I didn't even hear the rest of what was going on, I just stared at Commander Erwin, hoping he just brought us for some extra protection detail... but it wouldn't make any sense on why we are seated in the front, along some fellow soldiers and the nobles.

Erwin took the podium. I felt my palms sweating. Please save me.

Levi took my hand. "You're hand is disgusting." He said bluntly, but still gripped on to it.

"I see many talented, strong soldiers come through my way. For obvious reasons, they are too few, but with the few their strength and courage is why we are where we are today. I have made note of my exceptional soldiers who accompany us today, and have been granted by Zackly to promote these individuals. Squad Leader, Levi Ackerman." Levi stood up. "Though not the youngest person to achieve Captain, he is now the only one to achieve it in a short amount of time. And as Captain, he will have a new squad leader directly under him to replace him, Carrie Hosakawa." I hesitated to stand, but I did and saluted. "Another exceptional soldier that has achieved the title of Squad Leader in a short amount of time. We recognize them today of all days by request of the Commander-in-Chief. They saved countless lives in our expedition and have killed a record number of titans."

Everyone clapped for us. I hated being the center of attention. I hate that I can feel my palms sweating, as if it were trying to produce new rivers.

"Please enjoy the rest of the night." Erwin said, the whole room gave it's last applause.

Our table was surrounded with servants that carried plates of hot food. Small portions of meat and bread covered our plates. A lot of people gasped in amazement. No matter how plentiful cattle was, meat was hard to come by. Everyone feasted, and shortly after music filled the room. Girls giggled and squealed as they took to the dance floor with their dates.

"May I have this dance, Mr. Ackerman... sorry should I say, Captain?" A girl, a noble girl, to be so bold as to ask him to dance.

He sighed. "Erwin told me to try to be on my best behavior. I'm sorry. I'll be back." He said silently in my ear.

"And may I have this dance?" To my side I saw the familiar eyes that I haven't seen up close in so long, my adoptive father, Darius Zackly. He extended his hand, and I took it. He led me to the floor as we danced to the music. "This is the only place we can talk without looking suspicious or anyone overhearing us successfully."

"Is that so... I guess you would know, father."

"First of all, I am proud of your accomplishments, and your recorded kill count in record time. Your mother would be proud. Despite using half of that time to act as Erwin's spy."

My eyes widened, but I wasn't as surprised as I should have been. A man this paranoid and dangerous would be on constant guard, thinking someone would spy on him. Maybe we aren't the only one spying on him too... What would he do to a spy? Would he kill them? Would he go as far as killing me, someone he raised? I didn't know what to think...

"You shouldn't have too many worries from me, but everyone else... and the goals I am sure you are after, could be compromised by people who don't want those secrets out. This is a very dangerous game that you and Erwin started..."

The song ended and he bowed, while I bowed by instinct and habit.

"I hope I will see you again, I hope you will not join your mother."He walked away toward his table. I looked at my hand, another paper that he had put there while we danced.

I couldn't identify Levi in the moving crowd. I couldn't breathe or get comfortable in this room, so I headed toward the balcony. The room was so suffocating. It was filled with joyous and drunk people, but all I could feel was confusion and discomfort. What does this all mean...? Could I trust him? Can I report to Commander Erwin that he is indeed an ally and that he might help us? I sighed and looked at the sky.

"Carrie? Why are you out here?" Levi's voice sounded behind me.

"I hate social events like these. They made me so uncomfortable as a child... still does."

"Well, this attention isn't the greatest either... I had to fight my way through girls to get here."

I laughed. "You just never stop being irresistible to other women."

"Their thoughts don't matter to me, Carrie. There's no other women's opinion that could matter to me. No cowardly pig noble matters. Will you tell me your goals, you dreams this time?"

I smiled. "I suppose so..." I inhaled deeply, though I felt so constricted with this stupid corset. "But it's stupid."

"The Military Police soldiers are stupid, you're everything but."  
I chuckled. "Well... when I was little, I didn't know who my father was, nor did I really care who he was. I was completely content with being a family with my mother. And at the time I thought that was the goal... to have a child and be happy with them. However, my mother made me promise that I'd find someone that made me happy, someone that didn't have to stand by my side but did anyway. She wanted me to find someone worthy of me, a partner for the rest of our lives. My dream is to have a family I can protect with all that I have. A family that doesn't have to fear for their lives, ever."  
"What's stopping you?"  
"Isn't obvious? The Titans."  
"No. You're not afraid of them. You have killed at least fifteen titans by yourself and helped kill a lot more."

"What's your point, Levi? No matter how many we kill, their numbers seem endless... though, in some ways. That dream doesn't seem out of reach." I looked at Levi, how he's been looking at me.

"Carrie." Levi took my hand. "I love you. I wasn't certain at first, it wasn't about whether I had feelings for you that confused me, but what my feelings exactly were... the need I have to protect you and to be with you. It's because I love you, Carrie. I don't ever want to lose you. And if it's not too much to ask... I want to help yout live your dream."

"What, what are your saying...?" I gasped.

Levi combed his fingers through my hair and pulled me in, and kissed me in the cool night, with the faint sound of music in the background. He held me so tight.


	8. His Letter

I stare at the paper that's unfolded before me and fold it the way it was given to me. I've been debating on reading it for hours, but I just see the first symbol, a symbol in a familiar style, and I can't bear to look. Why did he give this to me? Is this letter even meant for me? A part of me just wants to rip it up, but I can't allow myself to destroy it... I put my letter back in my pocket and brushed my horses hair. "Ferguson, all the men in my life are confusing and... mysterious. A locked book... with the pages glued together."

"Does that include me?" Levi stood in the doorway, his calm expression darkened by the circles under his eyes that are permanently painted on his face.

"Well, at first, but you're more and more open with me."

He smiled at me, looking sleepy and cute at the same time. His smile used to creep me out, because his eyes used to be intimidating to me. "Then what are you talking about? Was it about the other night? Were there too many women glaring at you, looking like they were going to kill you? I will try not to kiss you in public." He almost said that last part like he was disappointed.

"No. Oh, for the sake of some so-called-wall-god... Please stop talking. It's not you... it's my dad. He gave me this letter, and it's in my mom's handwriting..."

"What does it say?"

"I don't know... as soon as I saw the first symbol in her handwriting, I couldn't look at it anymore."

"What if I read it?"

"Would you like to try?" I handed it to him, and after he folded it open I told him, "It's in Japanese by the way..."

"Well, don't ever tell me I didn't try to help you. Do you know how to read it?"

"Of course, my mom taught me how."

"Then what's the problem?"

"This is the last thing I have to remind me of her. My father gave this to me at the party, and I am scared that it will reveal something I never wanted to hear."

"Well, there's no hurry, but you also should read it soon. Even if there is no turning back after reading it, you need to look forward, and you need to stop looking behind you so much."

I laughed. "I feel like you have spent too much time with the Commander."

He looked slightly irritated at that comment. "He said something similar to me before, it doesn't mean it isn't helpful for this situation."

I smiled at him. "Aishiteru..."

He sighed and grumbled, "When are you going to tell me what that means."

"Later, now come on we are meeting the new recruits."

"I don't know how I keep my patience with you..."

* * *

I saw Joyce hiding behind a pilaster. She looked like she was hiding, but the only people she could be hiding from are the new recruits. I sighed, "Joyce, what are you doing?" I said silently.

"Shhh, the new recruits are talking. It's always interesting what they think about our regiment." She said silently.

"What are they talking about?"

"You can't hear them? Stop talking and listen."

I groaned and started listening. Levi is on his way from meeting the Commander... and I am doing this. I am not taking my title as a squad leader very seriously.

"I heard that at the ball a few girls caught Levi and Carrie kissing" I heard one of the male recruits say.

"What? Wasn't he name Captain that night?" Another said.

"Don't tell me he is taken!" A girl whined.

"Captain Levi can't be all that strong, he can't even be that intimidating with that height."

"You take that back! He has a great deal of confirmed Titan kills!" The same girl whined.

"Well, whatever it is, it seems the Scout Regiment get pretty cozy with each other." A boy laughed.

"I'm going to make all of them run..." I said angrily.

"C'mon, Carrie, they just got out of training. Drama and gossip take the idea of danger out of their minds."

"What do you guys think this is?" Levi suddenly said. He appeared in front of the recruits suddenly. All the recruits seemed as surprised as we were, for I didn't see him walk past us at all. "If you're going to waste time you should be using on work, then you should at least be wasting your time taking a shit." I started snickering. I heard him say things like this before, but somehow he got me going with what he said. "The girls will be lead by Carrie and Joyce while I will lead the boys to your designated barracks. The barracks better be spotless when I inspect them!"

The new recruits seemed to regret all their choices and hate their lives at that moment.

I sighed. "Nice to meet everyone." I revealed myself to the small group. "I am Carrie Hosakawa. I am one of the squad leaders, and I see you have met Captain Levi Ackerman. You will get your squad assignments after you clean. Be grateful that cleaning is the only task you will be doing, especially after what we heard." All of them seemed worried and dead inside. "Let's go, Joyce."

* * *

"I thought of what you said." I told Levi as he sat at the edge of roof. "I'm going to read it, but I need you here. I'll read it out loud to you and everything."

"Well, then go ahead." He said, signalling me to sit next to him.

I cleared my throat, stalling slightly. I read the first line in my head, and analyzed what my mom was trying to say. It was in Japanese symbols, but it was written as if she was trying to speak English. Everything was mostly in Katakana. "'To my beloved, Thank you for everything you have done for me and Carrie. I know it's hard for you to do all of this with you trying to rise in the ranks..." I paused reading the only symbol that was in Japanese, the symbol for love. "I love you so much, and I am glad I met you in this world. Though, I know we can't be together publicly, so I think we should stop what we're doing. It's not right. I'm going to take Carrie and stay with a friend... And hopefully, in another world away from this wretched place, we could be together. Don't be so eager to go to the other world or quit what you are doing, please... This world needs you right now with your responsibilities and strength. Don't do it for me, but for your...' what..." I put down the letter.

"What?" Levi put his arm around me, confused, not knowing what to do.  
"I feel like I knew this already... but the rest of the letter says, 'Don't do it for me, but for your daughter, Carrie, and the rest of the innocent people in the world.' Darius Zackly is my real father... My mom had taught him Japanese and wrote this letter to him..." I cried. "I wanted a family my whole life. I had a mother and I wanted to have a father. The father figure I had was my real father the whole time. My mother wanted me to have a man that loved her... but the one that she loved couldn't be with her." Why is life so cruel? Why would she be in love with such a fool. "Why did she have to go through such a horrible life... Is this what love brings?"

"No, not for you at least."

"Huh?"

"I won't let that happen to you." He wiped the tears from my cheek.

We sat in silence for a while till I heard someone panting in the distance. I saw someone running along the perimeter of our base.

"What is that?" I asked.

"That is Jack... his last name is too unimportant to remember. He pissed me off while cleaning."

I snorted. "What did he say?"

"'Are we allowed in the girls rooms? I bet that Carrie chick puts out.' So I told him to not talk about his higher ups like that and told him to start running. He's also in your squad now."

I started laughing. "You didn't have to do that... but... Levi, Aishiteru." I looked away from Levi.

"What does that mean?" He asked me.

"Nothing..." I bowed my head, trying to avoid his gaze.

"You've been saying that for a while, and haven't been able to tell me what it means."

"It means, I-I love you... My mom told me that all the time. Saying it that way is more comfortable for me. I can't say that to you in English... it's too embarrassing for me."

"So you've been saying it to me this whole time, and I thought I scared you that night."

"No, you didn't. You surprised me, but I definitely wasn't scared." He smiled at me. "Well, I better make sure my squad member isn't going to die tonight." I ran over to the boy breathing hard. "Hey!"

"What? Captain Levi told me to run. I guess I know how to piss people off." Jack said.

I sighed. "Well, as your squad leader, I am told I can tell you to stop." He dropped to his knees and tried to catch his breath. "Now, I might have been branded as a squad leader recently, but I will have your respect as you will learn to gain mine. As far as I am concerned this is your first day and your first mistake, though it was very stupid of you and also hit a nerve, but you were also brave enough to join this regiment like all the other men and women I fight along side. Though, I don't have many close friends, I have gained the respect of everybody because I have saved, fought along side, and protected most of these people with my blade and my skill. So if you lose my respect and Levi's, you will probably be the pariah of the scout regiment. Don't worry, I will still fight along side you and protect you... no matter how pissed I am at you." He just stared at me in amazement. "Now go get some dinner."


	9. Loss and Gain

After four months with the new recruits, I have been told many things that have been said about me. All of them concerning if I have a relationship with Levi. Levi and I had decided to keep it a secret even if we didn't have to. Erwin already knew that we were together and had nothing to say about it as long as we did our work, and our work kept us alive. A good amount of people seem to know what is going on, but they don't say anything to them.

I have been to the past two expeditions, mostly because I was a team leader now. It is hard for me to escape and gather intel. My new goal was to find or wait to see if we could have some more people that we could trust to gather the information we need. I would potentially lead that squad. Although, this information gathering was easy and I was good at it, I still hold my father's warning close to heart.

* * *

"You'll do fine." I told Jack. "You did great on the last expedition." I have been told to try to encourage my squad members and to not mention any mistakes they may have had in the past... like defecating in front of danger.

"Good job, Carrie!" Hange said. Though I never have any real interactions with her... she is a squad leader as well and a long time veteran. I had to get my advice from somewhere other than Levi... who obviously leads by his strength alone. I didn't know if my strength was great enough to inspire others. I could finally see the toll that these expeditions take on others. We come back, everyone is injured and has seen death. I see it in the eyes of everyone in my squad. I don't know how to bring spirit back in their eyes. I never felt the sting as the others. I haven't even been to all of the expeditions.

"Hange, don't accidentally get yourself caught in a Titan's mouth. Don't be so distracted with admiration." I joked.

"But it's so hard! They are so precious!"

I sighed. I sat through a whole night with her talking about titans in my first couple months here. I was both tired and amazed by her knowledge and her hypothesis. Everything she knows is drilled in my brain, that I feel like I can write a book report about it. We hope that one day she doesn't end up teaching in the trainee class.

* * *

It didn't swallow him yet. I can still save him. "Hold on, Jack!" I yelled as I came up behind the Titans neck and slashed it away. The Titan seized to move, so I cut open it's mouth. "I got you, just-!"  
I saw a body lying inside the Titans mouth. He was already dead... blood trickled down his neck.  
What happened? I was right there. I had almost saved him. Did I cut too deep and kill him?  
I looked at Joyce. She just sat there with tears in her eyes. "He cut his throat before the Titan ate him..." she weakly told me. "I never heard of something like this happening."  
I didn't either. He killed himself. I was almost there... if I was there sooner he'd be alive.  
Suddenly I could hear footsteps getting louder in the background. "Carrie! We need to get to higher ground!" I heard Joyce say. "Carrie!" She pulled on my arm.  
But I just looked at the body laying in the decaying-steaming body of a titan... a boy I barely knew. He just graduated and was put in my squad. I could have saved him.  
"Carrie!" The body started to get farther away from me. I was in Levi's arms. "I don't mind saving you, but you need to focus." I didn't hear him at the time either. "Carrie? Carrie!"  
I cried as I replayed the moment in my head again and again. "He slit his throat..." I finally muttered. "I couldn't save him... and he didn't believe that he would be saved."  
Levi didn't say anything. He just held me for a minute as he took me away.  
I didn't remember the rest of the day. I don't remember coming back or seeing the citizen's faces at the homecoming I just found myself in my room. It was dark and I just stayed there by myself. Is this how homecomings feel like for most people? Is the pressure of the expeditions finally getting to me? I can't hold myself together. There's no end in sight to this madness...

"Carrie? Are you still in there?" I heard Levi through the door. My voice was lost, I hadn't said anything in a while, I got lost in my own head. "I'm coming in. I brought food." He opened the door with one hand and a tray of food rested on his arm. He walked toward me and laid my food on the desk. "Are you okay?"

"I failed... I told him that I would do my best to save him. I told them all that before every expedition, but what now? Do they still think I can save them?" My face started feeling the trickle of my tears again. "I couldn't even hold myself together for the whole expedition! They counted on me! For a second I thought I had accidentally killed him myself when I sliced that Titan." I sniffled and wiped my tears from my face. "I'm not fit to be a leader."

"Carrie, most of the squad leaders lose their squad on the first expedition. Whether it be a few members, the whole squad, or even themselves trying to save them. You were strong enough to lead them and they all made it through two expeditions. You lost someone, but one day we will be able to remember all of them helping us to achieve our goal."

"What goal?! Stop saying all this non-sense based on Erwin!" I screamed. "I don't know where the end is, where that 'one day' is and neither do any of the people that died and the ones that put their life on the line!"

"Carrie, why did you join if you think like this?"

"You know... for my dream to be with a person I love with a family... Like I have always wanted."

"I'm sure they all had similar reasons, or maybe they were completely different from yours. Stop looking back, okay?"

"How are you able to be so calm and collected when all we do is leave the walls to die in hope that we find new information... How are you the balanced one on this tightrope?!"

"Without sacrifice and loss there is no gain... we can't move forward expecting no loss. I look at each and everyone's sacrifice, and I just remind myself that we are moving forward because of them. If you think it's for nothing, then that is when you become lost..."

"Levi..." I cried and hugged him. "I would just be so lost without you."

"Carrie." His voice turned serious and leveled.

"Yeah?"

"...Let's get married." He said suddenly.  
I paused and stared at him for a while. "Did your gear malfunction causing you to fall and hit your head?"  
"When am I not serious? Especially with you."  
"But do you realize what you're saying?" I laughed nervously. "Like none of us know how long we have, especially us in the Survey corps. We run the risk of dying every time we leave these walls."  
"Isn't trying to achieve your dream while you're alive better than living your whole life without trying, or are you not the girl I think you are?"  
"Wow, you're seriously talking to me like that." I chuckled and then started laughing nervously. My emotional state was in complete chaos. One minute I am crying and depressed and suddenly I am here, unsure if I should be happy. "You'e not just saying that to stop me from crying."

"I would never do that to you. I'm very serious about you."

"Marriage is a lifetime commitment. I'm sure you're not stupid and I am sure you're aware of that."  
"We live our life at constant risk. If you live for one day married, would you think your dream is fulfilled?" While he was talking to me, he was just staring out the window, up at the sky. I still don't know what he was thinking about . His permanent blank stare was forever unreadable to me.  
"What about you? What's your dream?"  
"Hm... well I pretty much gave up any hope for anything a long time ago."  
"What?! I don't believe that. You've been living this whole time with no real goal?"  
"I just want to fight for humanity along side everyone and protect you."  
I argued, "Don't think I need protecting all the time!"  
"Though, I will protect you at all times when I can."

"Levi... don't throw your life away for me."

He groaned. "Are you saying no?"

"NO! Um... not exactly. That's not what I meant. Levi, I love you so much, but don't feel pressured to be with me like that."

He sighed. "I might have said that I have given up on a dream, but ever since you told me about your dreams I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Maybe my dream, my whole entire life was to wait for you and be with you. Now what? Will you deny me my dream?"

"Levi... I..."

"Will you marry me Carrie? I had already asked your father for permission. He said he would grant us permission to buy a house where we can live on our off times between missions. We can have a house in the valley away from everywhere else or in any district you want. As your husband, we can be in the same team with no real discussion, we can help each other fight. I've thought the whole thing through. I am not wasting my life. Let's look forward from now on, Carrie."

"Levi, there's nothing more I want than to be with you."

His eyes seemed relieved.

"Were you... nervous?" I seemed confused. I've known his for so long and I have been hanging around him, yet I have never been able to read his face most of the time.

"Obviously." What Really? Is he serious, he's like the king of calm and serious. "Do you really think I've lost all my humanity? I've never done that before."

I laughed and I felt so relieved. I always felt it impossible to look forward because my past and my responsibilities seemed to call to me everyday. I thought the Titans were holding me back from having a future, but it was me and my stupid thoughts that held me back. Now that I have Levi in my life, for once in my life, I felt like I was looking forward.


	10. Start of a Dream

"Levi, you awake?"

"Have been." He said. I looked up at him, his eyes looking dark and baggy as usual.

I laughed. "Don't you ever sleep?"

"Not really."

I laid my head on his chest. "Well, since we're... taking the big step, you have to know... when I met you... for the second time at least, I thought you were a pretentious asshole." I covered my mouth as if I said a sin, but still smiled because I thought it was funny and if he had gotten mad, I could play it off as a joke.

"I figured." He looked at me and smiled. I just inched closer to him and curled in his arm. After realizing the entire situation, I cried hysterically and Levi laid with me to calm me down. I was in a whirlwind of emotions. "You really seemed to hate me..."

"No, not _hate_ you." I said sarcastically. "Well... no I think I hated your guts." I laughed. "I didn't trust you and didn't want to deal with you."

"What changed?"

"I don't know, a number of things I guess. Your persistence for one, but on our off times I overheard the respect everyone had for you. I always thought you cared about yourself, but you actually care about people. At first, I couldn't believe it, but slowly I did. Also, you teased me." I smirked at him.

"I teased you?" He said, acting surprised.

"Do not play innocent! You totally did! You pretended like you were going to kiss me, left me wanting more."

"If that's what you think..."

I smiled as I remembered everything. "Sorry I thought you were an ass."

"I'm sure you're not the first."

"Speaking of asses... I think I am going to visit my dad. At least before we do this."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, it will be okay. I just wanted to talk to him about my mom. I actually can't believe you talked to him and he gave you his blessing. Like what is that all about? Did you make a case or something in court?"

"I asked the only way I could." I was silent, waiting for him to say how he asked. "With brute force." He said, completely serious.

"Oh my god, you didn't." I was silent once again, waiting for him to say he was joking. I even let out a nervous laugh. He just held his serious face. "You're completely serious."

"I didn't lay a hand on him at least. He just made me promise to not make the same mistakes he did with your mom." I thought about what Levi said, then I thought about my dad. He was serious and stayed at that same seriousness at all times in public, but at times I could actually feel that inside he cared about my mother and me.

* * *

"It is nice to see you, Ms. Zackly." My father's butler, Ernest said. He called me Zackly because he was hired shortly after I was officially adopted and my fathers wife died. He knows a lot about my father and me, but he never knew about my mother. He was very nice and seemed to deeply care about what he did, but I never found myself in deep conversation with the man. "Your father was hoping you would stop by soon."

"Has he really?"

"I could just tell. Let me get him, hopefully he isn't doing his usual bickering, right?" I could only give a polite smile to him. I never got the chance to get to know him. "Please come in."

"Ernest, before you go. Levi was here right?"

"Oh, yes, the short one." Ernest giggled to himself. "He was a straightforward one..." I smiled at the thought of Levi being here. "He was very insistent that he share a life with you. Didn't seem like he would take no for an answer. I wish you luck in your future, Carrie."

"Thank you, Ernest."

Ernest was on the way to my fathers study, but before he left he turned around to face me. "It's good to see you smile, Ms. Zackly." I was shocked at what he said, but realized that he has only seen me after my mom died and the day before I left to join the military. My life before I reunited with Levi seemed like a long blur. It just blended together into nothing. I never allowed anything significant to happen, and never let anyone in. Was this change all because of Levi? I couldn't help but smile again as Ernest left.

"Carrie." My father showed himself after a while. He was trying his best to slick back his hair, regaining his composure. His hair was slightly messy and he had his bolo tie hanging loose around his neck. "I'm glad you stopped by. I assume you read it." His eyes, serious and steady, but he struggled to catch his breath. It was too obvious that he was just letting out his frustrations in his office.

"I did... mother loved us more than anything. I also came by to thank you, for giving us your blessing."

"Oh... is this where I congratulate you?" He looked so tired, but no matter what, I looked at him as a strong person. He had lost his love and his wife, but he was able to live to my mothers word.

I smiled. "I guess, but you have already given me so much, father... I can finally say that I have realized that. You cared about me and I never knew that."

"I had hoped you wouldn't join the military, but I knew I couldn't stop you. I thought she would be disappointed me, but I see you only got strong because of it."

"You're wrong..." I immediately said. "You made me strong, by allowing me to live a good life. Mother made me strong because she allowed me to dream for a bright future. And most of all, Levi made me strong because he allowed me to live my life and move forward so I could achieve those dreams. The number of Titans I kill are just proof. We won't make the same mistakes, father. I can promise you that..." I widened my eyes as I saw a rare sight, in my ridiculous speech that I had made to my father, he had smiled at me. Did he truly believe in me?

"After you read the letter... I wanted to tell you that your mother died because of my selfishness. I'm sure you already know that my late wife paid to have your mother kidnapped. She told me everything before she killed herself..." He didn't pause for long, just kept telling me the story. He had a face of regret, this was a story that he had to live with. "She found out about your mother and I. So she wanted her to suffer." I could remember that day, no one needed to remind me. My mother pleaded me to look away as she was being defiled by perverted men. She begged for them to not touch me as they held me captive. "When she went to check on how things progressed, telling your mom how much she hated her and telling those scum that you weren't part of the deal. She regretted that you were there. She felt bad about it in the end. In hwr suicide letter, she wrote how she loved having you around because she couldn't have her own children. She loved having a youthful presence, and she hated and ended up regretting everything she did. She just didn't realize that they just wanted money. They wanted to sell you, and they thought they could get more money by holding both of them for ransom. She didn't want to involve you, not in that way at least..."

"Dad... you can stop. I know the rest." My mother was eaten by a titan that was previously captured and being held for observation, one of the first Titan's the Survey Corps captured and I watched her get eaten by a Titan. Levi had took me away when they were preoccupied. I wanted to go back, but they weren't there anymore. They said that they took them somewhere. We ran into my father, where he tried to get me to go home, but I just followed him. I shouldn't have followed him...

"I know, but the reason im telling you this and the reason I gave you and Levi my blessing is not so you can forgive me or my wife. It's because I am not only thankful that he is around to keep you happy, but thankful that he was there to save you. I wanted to get him citizenship and get him to live in the capitol with us, but he didn't. I think at the time he was too shaken up about the whole thing. I owe him everything, and I don't doubt him for a second when he says that he will protect you."

"Father..." I started crying in front of him, something I hadn't done in a long time. "We've all been through so much... haven't we?"

* * *

The following month, we were standing in front of each other with only my father and Commander Erwin present.

"I, Levi Ackerman, take you, Carrie Hosakawa-Zackly, to be my wife. I vow to protect you all my life no matter what is up against us. I will love you until we depart this world, and, if there is a world beyond this wretched place, I will find you and fall in love with you in the next world." Levi squeezed my hands. "And I vow to make your dreams come true."

I smiled at him. "I, Carrie Hosakawa Zackly, take you, Levi Ackerman, to be my husband. I vow to protect you and fight by your side in the upcoming battles, no matter what is against us. I will take care of you through any injury or sickness. I will be by your side till I die. I will only love you for the rest of my life. And I also vow to make your dreams come true, whatever they may be."

It's crazy, knowing how far we have come...

Now I am with the man that will be there for me no matter what... mother, if there is another world where you are watching over me, do you see? I did it...


	11. Back to Reality

"We have to go back again today..." I said as Levi sat shirtless by the window, staring out the window. I hugged him from behind, kissed his uncovered shoulder, and held him as we looked outside. "This past week was amazing... as was the last week that we were home." It was nice saying "home" after so long of not having a place to call home.

"Too bad it has to end." He said, and took my hand.

We bought a house in the Klorva district. I always imagined to have a house within the walls and have a small farm instead of living in the big districts, but obviously it wouldn't be practical for Levi and I. We wouldn't be home as often as we would like to. That was only our second full week here, and we have had the place for almost two months. When when we would come home for our break, the house would be dusty and empty. Levi had his fun at cleaning the house before we moved some of the furniture in. I had forgotten how much of a clean freak he was, and then realized that the first thing we would do when we came back home would be cleaning like we were getting rid of blood evidence.

My father offered for us to stay in his estate, but I thought it would be too weird. Maybe some other day we would be able to live how we and I had also decided to keep our marriage a secret from everyone else. I didn't want everyone questioning us, if they found out, then they would find out. It wasn't too big of a deal, just not something we wanted to announce.

Outside of our house people passed by and walked to the market or back home, children played, and people were gossiping. This was the normal life I eventually wanted... but things started to get blurry. Was I crying? But then I was falling back, and tried to grip onto Levi for support.

"Carrie? CARRIE!" Levi yelled. I was on the floor, everything was spinning. I couldn't see his face clearly. "What's wrong?"

"Dizzy... just a little dizzy." My vision started to clear up and I could see how worried he looked.

"Do you need to see a doctor?"

I laughed. "No, I think I am just hungry."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah... I'm sorry I made you worry." I smiled and touched his cheek. "I'm fine though."

"Maybe your sick. I'll let Erwin know you're staying home..."

"No, Levi! I promise I'm fine. Just have to eat... you've had me exhausted all week." I laughed. "And I am not talking about all the cleaning you made me do." Levi smirked, thinking of this past week alone. "Now, help me up. I am going to start dinner." I loved that I was the only person to see a side of Levi that nobody was able to see. He wasn't just this serious man anymore that would show respect to his comrades, even as they neared death. He wasn't void of any emotion, absent of what made him humane. He genuinely cared about me. At the same time I hated that I had to see him worry about me.

* * *

"There's a house in Shinganshina. It will be the house you operate out of." Erwin said. "I've been wanting to look into this for a while."

"What's in the human trap city?" Levi asked.

"Possibly information on the library and the Titans. There's also a case I was curious about a, though it happened a few years ago. Might as well follow up on the story of the couple that wanted to venture outside the wall."

"If it peaks you interest, it wouldn't hurt giving it a look." I said, giving interest to the old case.

"Would I go with Carrie?" Levi asked. "It would probably be best for her to blend in that way."

"No, we need you. Our numbers are too low to lose the both of you. I know I said you could stick together since you are married, but Carrie will be fine." Levi looked displeased, but he didn't argue with him this time. I just gave him a reassuring look. "There was an incident in the capitol regarding some drunk military police soldier and an elitist daughter, no one is really concerned with what they think we are doing. If anything goes wrong the safe house is full of weapons. I'll have Levi get you after we come back from the expedition."

"Why is that? I'm not sneaking back in with the formation."

"I have a feeling that this expedition won't take that long."

"Okay, well you can count on me." We left his office and Levi immediately pulled me toward him.

"Are you crazy? Are you sure you're going to be alright?" Levi asked. He seemed really angry, but it didn't really seem directed toward me.

"Levi, of course. I've done this so many times. I'm not scared."

"But you've been feeling sick..."

"Levi, I was just hungry this morning."

"But you also seemed sick when we were riding back here from our home."

"Levi..." I grabbed his hand and looked into his eyes. "I'm fine. I promise..." He sighed. He was defeated, knowing that he wouldn't be able to talk me out of it. "If anything goes wrong, I'll take blame for not being in my best shape... it's not a big deal."

"Okay..." He simply said, not wanting to argue with me more, feeling defeated by how stubborn I was, and he walked off. I just watched him walk off, feeling a little guilty knowing all he has been through. Should I be more like that or should he believe in me more? Was the honeymoon phase already over?

In a little over two months, were we back to reality just like that...?


	12. Reality Always Strikes Hard

[A/n: Hey guys, thanks fot reading this far! It means a lot to me that so many of you are following along and making this story one of your favorites. It would mean a lot to me if you took a fee minutes of your time to review, it really helps me out! Hope you enjoy the rest of the story!]

The bells chime, signalling the arrival of the Survey corps. I looked out from the top window of the house I was staying at while I gather information within the town. I could barely see them as they enter the town of Zhiganshina. A sigh of relief comes to me as they are more or less on time for their homecoming. I gather behind a few of the towns people that are also waiting for the Survey corps to come.

The more we fight, the moral goes down. When the Survey Corps comes back with some many injured people, and so many watching you as you walk back into town. You can already tell why most of them just look away. I wonder if they are in a trance, like I was at that time... so lost in thought, contemplating our life, the reason for our existence, and the purpose of us fighting back. Most of them are are probably trying to remember the fallen... or even forget.

I could see Levi coming toward us. I was so relieved that he came back. He always makes me laugh because he worries about my safety, but he doesn't realize that the danger is still there for him too.

Levi saw me from the distance and signaled me to meet him by the wall before he heads back. I head over while he disappears from the eyes of the crowd.

"How are you feeling?" He asked. "Still sick?"

I smiled at him. "I'm fine. I just came back from a house occupied by a young boy with his grandfather."

"About the couple that supposedly left the walls to explore the outside walls?"

"Yeah..." I sighed. "I'll tell you more at home, but the boy amazed me with his intelligence. I just thought that was crazy for a young kid like him." I nervously laughed. Being around kids like that made me think of my future, of Levi's future with me... Would our child be smart like that?

"His situation makes you sad, doesn't it?"

I laughed. "Stop reading me..."

Levi kissed me. "I should get going, finish what you're doing here and come home."

"Of course."

* * *

I walked back the building I have been staying at, I was hoping I could see the town's doctor before I headed home, but he had already left when I got there. I have been avoiding my condition for a while now... I should take care of myself, so Levi won't worry.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of thunder and it almost felt like an earthquake shook the entire town. Everyone left the area to see where it came from. I couldn't help but climb up on a roof to look. At first all I could see was smoke from that area. But then my eyes just widened. All I saw was a blood-red hand gripping onto the top of the wall. The wall looked like it was crumbling like dust under its fingers...  
It's a Titan. But how tall is it...?! It's gripping onto that wall like it's nothing. Like the smoke around it, it was rising and we could see his head. It had its typical skin-less appearance of a normal Titan. But this was no normal Titan. Is it over...? Is life officially over for the Human Race?  
I can't fight it by myself... everyone is injured. Levi is injured. No. I don't have all my gear with me either...  
"EVERYONE, RUN NOW!" I screamed.  
The wall seemed to explode in front of me, destroying the surrounding buildings while debris came falling from the sky destroying others around us.  
Some people panicked and just stood there while others started screaming and running back.  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! RUN NOW!" My head started hurting from screaming so much. I stood on the rooftop till I could see the situation clearly. There was a hole in the wall and Titans started coming through the wall...  
Why?  
Why is this happening?

"Retreat to the other side of Wall Maria! Someone get the boats ready for mass transport!" I scream.  
I looked back at the top of the wall and the giant Titan wasn't there anymore. Did it walk away? We would of heard it walk away. It's just gone... How is this possible?  
I only have a knife and this blade I haven't been able to test on anything and this mini-maneuver gear grappling hook. I won't be able to fight all the Titans that are coming through the wall... I have to get more supplies! I ran on the rooftops along side the people running on the streets. While they were running for their lives I was running back to the safe house. I can't save them unless I have more to fight with! I need to get my notes too or have them destroyed.  
The grappling hook doesn't hold as much gas as the 3D maneuver gear, so if I can just get my hands on one with gas... and I need to get there before a Titan comes in the area.  
I tried to gather my thoughts while I ran from roof top to roof top, hoping that the place Erwin mentioned isn't crushed by some of the debris from the wall. The giant Titan disappeared without even trying to eat any of the citizens. I always knew from the bottom of my stomach that there had to be something more about the Titans. I always knew that their existence didn't make any sense. But this unfortunate day doesn't help my knowledge. It doesn't help my thoughts and the contradictions I noticed. Why did it show up now of all times? How did it show up with no further notice and disappear just the same. We've had so many expeditions but haven't spotted anything like it... they just came back from an expedition and reported no such thing. Was this the reason that so many of them came back injured?

No, that can't be it at all. I'm sure after seeing something like that, Erwin would retreat. He wouldn't be so foolish and blind to keep pursuing something so strong. They came at a time too convenient, where most of our skilled soldiers are weak, injured, and tired. I have learned that everything that seems to be my paranoia is just my instincts and that I should trust more, but also be very careful with who I share this information with.

I jumped into the window and crushed all my notes together in big bunches, stuffing them in my jacket. I lifted the floor boards to reveal my emergency gear and quickly put on my gear. I was feeling dizzy again, lightheaded and nauseous. Not now... I need to help people escape. I take a second to gather myself with screaming, people running, and giant loud footsteps.

"Levi... Where are you?" I know he would want me to try to escape and meet him where it is safe, but there are so many in this town that need me... Garrison has never faced Titans before. And I am sure they aren't equipped to kill the Titans that gathered around the city. I closed my eyes for a second. "Don't hate me, Levi..."

I stepped onto the window frame and climbed out onto the roof. There were a lot of Titans, at least it seems like there are more than there were originally outside of the walls... at least that's what it seems to be at this time. I hear people screaming and I act as I head towards the Titans.

I believe that you will come for me Levi, but for now I must do what I have to, so I can survive. And I will do anything I can do to save these people too.


	13. Until There Is Nothing Left

[A/N: Sorry for the late update everyone! I lost track of what day it was... I wanted to get this out as soon as possible, so there might be a few more mistakes than usual. I need a beta... Anyway, please review if you like it so far! It really helps me when people leave reviews!]

"Where is she?! Is she alive?!" I heard someone yelling angrily in the distance.  
"Please, sir calm down! I'll bring you to her room if you just stay quiet." I heard a female voice say, following him.  
I opened my eyes and I didn't know where I was. I felt tired and weak. My body hurt everywhere. My head started to hurt from the bright light illuminating the room.  
"I'm not going to stay calm especially after a titan attack like that!" The door opened and I saw Levi entering. He looked angry and frantic, but then relieved. "Carrie..."

"You woke me up... asshole." I managed to joke and smile at him.  
He rushed to my side and held the hand I could move. "I'm sorry... I should have came with you. I should have hurried back to get you... I should have..."  
I didn't know what he was talking about at first. Then I remembered before I passed out, I remembered seeing a town destroyed... from Titans... I started shaking. Women... men... children. I saw them all perish. I could see it in my head... the horrid look on their faces, the giant titan, all their blood, the wall and houses being destroyed. I wanted to scream, I could feel my self wanting to, but nothing came out. I just laid there and stared, wide-eye, at the ceiling. "If I wasn't there more people would have died! You were all gone... and all that was left were the cowards that hide behind the walls! Stupid soldiers that had the weapons to fight them, but didn't!"  
"Carrie..." Levi gripped my hand tighter.  
"You were gone... and then it came..." I started tearing up. The Survey corps left... while everyone thought we were safe behind the walls it just attacked when we were naive and dumb. "Where is Commander Erwin?"  
"I don't know, why?"  
"I need to talk to him... but not here." I tried to get up and leave my bed.  
"Stop!" Levi held me down. "They said you were hurt bad. That you were bleeding. What happened?"  
"I don't remember getting hurt... my 3D gear malfunctioned for a while, and I fell at some point..." I sighed. "I think I passed out and someone managed to grab me."

The nurse that was just standing awkwardly in the doorway, cleared her throat. "Not that it's none of my business, it says on your chart that you managed to save a few of the garrison soldiers. They recognized you and seemed obligated to help you. Around that time, your gear malfunctioned. You hit your head, broke your arm, and they escaped and brought you back here."

"Well, there you go Levi..."

"And, um, I'm sorry Captain Levi, I hate to kick you out like this, but the doctor wanted to talk to Miss Hosokawa alone."  
He glared at her. "It's Mrs... Mrs. Ackerman. I'm her husband." He snapped at her.  
She looked shocked. Under normal circumstances I would have probably laughed since I learned later she was shamelessly flirting with him earlier, but I just stared at Levi's hand as he held mine. Giving him a glance to take it easy. "Well, in that case... since you're..." she took an awkward and long pause. "...family, I'll call the doctor in." She hustled out of the room, feeling embarrassed.

"Levi... I'm sorry."

"Don't be..."

"Only if my gear didn't malfunction, I probably would have been able to save Shiganshina..."

"It's not up to you to save a whole district by yourself. Those cowards couldn't keep themselves from shitting themselves."

I laughed, and it stung a little. I winced. "Don't make me laugh..."

"Sorry..."

"No, don't be." I smiled. "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. If I stayed behind, I wouldn't be here."

"If you weren't there, more people would have died."

"Do you know what happened?"

"A lot of people were able to escape through boats, but since we lost so much land, they think they are going to run out of food."

"What? Didn't we just lose Shinganshina?"

"From eye witness reports, an armored Titan broke through the gate, Titans are roaming inside Wall Maria."

I tried to contain my frustration. "Another sentient..." I said under my breath

"What?"

"Not here..."

Someone knocked on the door. A man with short hair and glasses walked in. "Hello, Mrs. Ackerman. Are you feeling okay?" He walked in and sat on the opposite side of Levi. He checked the bandages on my head, and felt my pulse. He nodded, and looked at the paper he was holding.

"Can we leave now?" Levi asked, angrily. "I'd like to get her home now."

"Just a second, Captain. I need to talk to the both of you."

"Then talk."

"Carrie... When your 3D gear malfunctioned, you fell. Other than hurting your head in the process, you caused unneeded stress on your body. When you were carried away they said you started bleeding, but they didn't know where. They thought you had cut yourself with one of your blades when you fell, but we examined you... no cuts."  
"Can you get on with it? Is she fine then? Can she leave?" Levi said irritated.  
"She can leave soon enough... but I just wanted to ask if you guys were trying to start a family..." My eyes widened. I could feel what he was going to say next. I squeezed Levi's hand and started shaking. He sighed and paused, looking at our reactions, reading us perfectly. "When you fell, you had a miscarriage... I'm sorry."  
I don't know when the doctor left after he apologized he had said a couple more things. I hoped Levi was listening... because I wasn't. We just stayed there in silence most of the time. Levi sat next to me on the bed and held me close to him.  
I didn't even know that I was carrying a child inside me. Yet, it hurt so bad. Why was this happening? Why are we put on this stupid cruel world only to suffer like this? Why did I feel bad about not bringing a child into this unforgiving world? I didn't want him to suffer with the rest of us...

I truly hated living in this horrible world.


	14. A Beacon of Hope

"Levi..." I said quietly.

"Yes?" Levi held my hand.

"I never asked, nor did I think to ask." My lip started quivering like I didn't know what to say, but in the long silence I rehearsed it in my head. "What if you were to lose me? Would you keep moving forward?"

We were silent for a while, but Levi just held onto my hand like nothing has changed. "When I lost my friends to that titan, in my rage I sliced the shit out of it. I felt like I sliced everything off it's body, and there was nothing left for it when I had finally had enough... Erwin and the thought of you being alive kept me in check. If it weren't for that, I probably would have killed until some stupid-looking titan finally killed me." He held my hand even tighter. "I'm not going to lie to you, Carrie. If I were to lose you, fuck the human race at this point and fuck human expansion. If you were gone, that is it for me."

Oh god... what was I supposed to say to that? What was I expecting him to say? I felt like I have lost a piece of me when I was in the hospital. I felt like I was almost at my breaking point. How many times can someone be patched up till they are just done? Even in this dead silence, I couldn't clearly think of what to say next. Why did I even open my mouth.

"Levi... am I supposed to feel that way with him... her, who ever they were supposed to be? Where do I even go from here? How do I keep going forward?"

"For a while, I thought I could only believe in my own abilities, and only my own. I could also believe in other's decisions, but for you I can believe in your abilities and your decisions. I could never doubt you. People like us will feel the sting of loss many times, but we will find a way to move forward."

How can I move forward from this...?

* * *

The next day, Levi went back to the command center to update them on my condition. Only Levi, my father, and Commander Erwin knew of my condition. Everyone else thought I was still in the hospital, horribly hurt. With Levi gone for the day, it was honestly weird not having him around. It was too quiet around here, not that Levi i a loud person... I was just so lonely that the silence bothered me. I don't want to be home all by myself anymore.

I couldn't stop thinking about it, no matter how much Levi talked to me... it was just a horrible reality.

Does he not understand?

We're just put on this world to be eaten. Those things, they are becoming smarter, and they are trying to get us to come out of hiding. We're done for, so why keep fighting? Why keep living in a world that no longer allows us to live?

"Carrie?!" I heard Levi yell and he quickly, but gently took my hand. "Let go..." I realized I was holding on to a knife with my broken arm and my other hand was bleeding. I didn't even realize the pain, does my emotional pain block out everything else? I let go of the knife. Levi took it and threw it to the side and took off his shirt, ripping part of it to wrap my hand. "Carrie, what the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"I don't know... I didn't even realize I had it."

"Bull shit... you were bleeding."

I stayed silent for a moment, unable to tell him at first. "I hate this world, Levi..."

"So you're not even going to try to move forward?"

"What's the point?! We're just going to die, why should I waste my time trying to fight it?!

"Because you're stronger than those pieces of shit!"

"They took my mom, and then the fight against them took my baby! IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THEY TAKE YOU TOO! YOU CAN'T TELL ME THAT THERE IS A REASON FOR ALL OF THESE DEATHS IN MY LIFE. SOMEDAY THESE DEATHS WILL BREAK ME DOWN INSTEAD OF BUILD ME!"

Levi looked at me. "So you're just going to let them win?" Levi picked up the knife. "This doesn't bother you then?" Levi sliced his hand deep enough to make it bleed, but not deep enough to puncture anything. Blood dripped down his arm and I started crying. "If you die, I won't be far behind you." Levi washed off his hand and wrapped it. "Let's go..."

"Where to?"

* * *

Levi took me to where the survivors of Shinganshina stayed. Many of them looked so frail, depressed, tired, and hungry.

"Ah, Carrie!" A familiar voice called out to me. At first I was confused, I didn't think I would know anyone here. When I looked to see who it was, it was the old man I met for Commander Erwin. "What brings you here?"

"Mr. Arlert."

"You remembered me." He smiled, but even through his smile it seemed there was something off. "Is this your husband?" He motioned over to Levi, and shook his hand. "She only had good things to say about you. You can tell she loves having you in her life by how she talks about you." Levi awkwardly stood there, shaking his hand.

"You seem... well." I lied. "I'm glad to see you made it, how is Armin?"

"I'm glad you remembered. He is good. I'm just glad him and his friends are alive and well. If you want to see him, I'm sure he would be happy to see you're alive. We heard you had some of those Titan's running for their lives." He gave a short laugh. "He tells me his friends loves the Survey Corps. They would be happy to meet you and your husband."

"I'll be sure to do that then... Mr. Arlert, if there's anything else I can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask."

"You don't have to worry about us. We'll manage." He smiled. "Let me get Armin, I'm sure he will be happy to see you."

I looked at him, scared that all of these refugees would die.

Levi touched me on the shoulder. "I'll be right back. I have to take care of some things."

"O-okay..."

"Carrie!" Armin yelled, running up to me and hugging me.

"Armin, I'm so glad you're doing well." I looked at his friends that followed close behind. They looked tired and their eyes told me that they saw more than what they should have... The Asian girl especially looked like she was down to her last straw, that she would give up all hope if something else were to happen. But the other brown-haired boy still had something in him, like this fire was burning inside of him...

"I heard you killed a lot of the Titans!" Armin exclaimed.

"This is her?" The other boy said.

"Yeah, this is Carrie. She is in the Survey Corps!"

"No way!"

"Shhh, not so loud." I said.

"Sorry, I just admire you guys so much. How long have you been in?" The boy asked.

"Uh... I think two years. I'm unsure, the days kind of blend together."

"That's amazing!" They said in union while the Asian girl remained quiet.

"You really think so?"

"You fight Titans and survive!" The boy said, he was wide-eyed and seemed to truly admire me.

"I've had a couple close calls." I laughed it off, recalling how many times I was close to dying. They continued to ask me questions about Titans and how it was outside the walls. It made me forget for a while... I just wanted a child as smart as Armin, looked at me like his friend looked at me, and beautiful like the girl. Was all that so hard to ask?

On our way home, Levi told me, "To some people, you're their last beacon of hope. It's not just me that needs you, others do too."

"I didn't ask for that!"

"Most people don't... People look up to me, I didn't fight and survive for any stupid mouth to blurt it out like it has real importance. You just need to realize the worth of your own name and not throw it away."

Do people really talk about me like they talk about Levi? Am I held to that level now? How should I feel about this?


	15. Problems that need Solving

**[I'm kind of stuck on where I want chapter 16 to go, so it might take a while. Sorryyyyy]**

I finally went back to work when my arm finally healed. We went back to monthly expeditions in hopes that we would find a way to take back the land we lost. Though, with our numbers, I don't know how that's possible. The number of people joining us after their initial military training seemed to be especially low recently. No one cares about what is important, only of what makes them safest...

Levi was able to move Armin and the others close to the district where our house was. They were working in the farms, so I was able to visit them from time to time. It was hard to see them struggling...

Even though I was healed, Erwin hesitated on sending me on our secret missions and I haven't even been on expeditions. I don't know what was going on. I've mostly been training our new recruits and sometimes even trying to recruit others from training camp. They said it was because my "looks" will draw them in. They might be stupid, but there would also be the slim chance that they would still be strong.

It wouldn't matter anyway... we wouldn't be getting anyone that is smart and strong like Levi. I got in the top ten just to prove myself... It was sort of a cruel joke to the rest of the graduates.

"Levi, I'm thinking of putting in a request to leave the military." I told Levi as we walked back to our rooms.

"Why? Well... never mind. I know."

"I just... maybe we can start a family if one of us isn't in the military. That one being me, obviously."

"I understand, but are you sure?"

"I've been thinking about it... because I still don't want to bring a child into the world where there's Titans or a place where they can lose their father..."

"I'm not going to lie to you, and tell you that you're not going to lose me because you've experience loss already..."

"That's what's keeping me from doing it... I want to be there to protect you."

"Carrie..." He pulled me close and I looked around to make sure no one was around. "Do what makes you happy." He pushed me away slightly. "Are you okay?"

I knew what he was talking about... he's scared that I would try to kill myself again. "I'm... well I'll be okay. I am married to a wonderful man." His lips curled on one side and he brushed my hair to the side. "Sorry that I made you worry..."

* * *

He smiled at me. "Don't worry about that, all will be sorted out soon. You military folk don't need to worry about us common folk. Let me find Armin, so he can say hi to you. I hope I am not keeping you."

I look at Levi who shakes his head. "Not at all."

"Okay, I'll be back." He walks away.

"Levi... did he mean something when he said that 'all will be sorted out soon'?"

"The government is sending some of the refugees and our soldiers to 'reclaim' Wall Maria." I look at him and tear up. "There's not enough food for everyone now, and I heard he was one that volunteered. He probably knows that with his sacrifice, his grandson can survive. After tomorrow, the refugees are being split up to different districts to work in nearby farms and factories."

"Are they sending us to fight? What is going to happen to Armin?"

"Commander Erwin said there was no point for us to go... There's no point for us to die. Each regiment was told to send their lower-performance soldiers instead of people like us. I pulled some strings to have Armin and his friends assigned to a farm near us."

"Did my father approve of this?"

"It wasn't up to your father, someone higher thought of this."

Of course. Someone within the safety of the walls approved of something so horrible. We risk the lives of people who don't "matter", so people that think they do matter live with their wallets and their bellies full. Our world is so cruel. But if I stop fighting, people unqualified to fight like Mr. Arlert will have to keep fighting...

"I have some business to take care of. I won't be long... Stay here." I watched Levi walk away. I don't know what I felt to see him walk away. I knew he'd be back, but I felt this sting in my heart anyway.

"Ms. Carrie!" I tuned around to see a short-haired blonde boy run toward me.

"Armin! I'm glad to see you're doing well." I smile at him and hug him. I look over to his grandfather and see it in his eyes. He is scared, but he looks determined at the same time. Armin means more to him than anything, he is willing to die a meaningless death... and I was going to throw my life away in the comfort of my own home. How selfish of me.

Eren and Mikasa walk slowly behind. They looked unwell. Food hasn't been circulating well on their end. My father, under my name even donated clothes and blankets to the refugees, I tried to bring excess food I had with my money and let them stay at our place since Levi and I haven't been able to come home with work escalating.

"I'm only doing well because of you." Armin stated. He still looked dirty and tired from the hard work they've been doing in the fields.

"Well, just work hard, and I will help you with all I got too."

Armin smiled at me, and I felt relieved for a second.

"Hurry and eat your dinner, I will be back. I promise." I told him. He walked off with his friends to get their dinner. "Kids like them shouldn't have to live like this." I told Mr. Arlert.

"I know, but they will survive. Please watch over them when you can... They're good kids." He told me.

* * *

Mr. Arlert and the others left, but I stayed to wait for Levi.

"Carrie!" I heard a familiar voice.

It was Joyce. She was smiling at me and hurried over to greet me. I haven't been able to see her much with everything that's been going on.

"Joyce... hi!"

"Haven't seen you around. I heard you were slowly coming back to work."

"Yeah... well. Pretty much just waiting for Erwin to tell me to prepare for the next one."

"I know what you mean..." Then she smiled. "So, enough with the small talk. How was he... in bed I mean?" Joyce giggled.

"What?!" I exclaimed.  
"I guess a joke wasn't the best way to lead this conversation with. I just figured... I didn't say anything, but I knew from your symptoms and looking at you that you were pregnant..." He smile turned to a slight frown. "I'm sorry how things must have turned out for you..."  
I looked at Joyce, shocked. I didn't notice at first, but she looks like she had gone through hell too. "It not your fault. It's my fault for not realizing sooner. I grew up with only my dad, so I don't really have an experienced female for those situations." I tried my best to give out a chuckle. "What are you doing here anyway?"  
"Didn't you hear? We're retaking the wall..."  
My eyes widened in horror. "No, I didn't hear that... but why? "  
"I know the dangers... I volunteered." Joyce smiled despite the situation. "I... uh... grew up in Shinganshina. I sent most of money to my parents so they can eventually move somewhere better. They will never get to do that now..."  
"Joyce don't do this..."  
"But I want to..."  
I knew her since the beginning of my time in the military. I feel like we made it so far already, and for it to end like this... I don't know what to do.  
"So... how was it?" She smiled. "I want to spend my last day with my best friend."  
I smiled behind tears. "It was weird the first time, I mean it's going to be weird the first time of course... but he's very... physical and a little rough but somehow very tender."  
Joyce giggled. "If only we could gossip with all the other girls about this. Don't worry, your secret is obviously safe with me... tell me more. I want to know all the dirty details!"


	16. Decision

It was a few days after we sent people to their deaths. Even after a day, we would have great loses with all our training and equipment. Only a few came back, not enough that it really mattered...

I thought about Joyce and just looking at how empty the soldier barracks was. Joyce and the others that volunteered to help take back the district had already packed their things. With no family to give it to, I ended up receiving her things. This was different than losing people to an expedition, it was just meaningless.

I headed to where Armin and the others were staying. I had to check on him, he must be feeling horrible. Armin only has his friends now... I can't be there for him with where I am constantly. But maybe if I were to quit the military... I could adopt them and take care of them. They lost their families too young, they were thrust out on their own with no real knowledge of what to do. But with how short handed we are, it will never be approved. My father might be able to help me...

"Carrie..." Levi put a hand on my shoulder. "You okay?"

"Yeah... Let's go."

Levi and I went on a patrol together. Patrols were increased to avoid another incident that lost the first wall. Then, with our short numbers, it feels like we have to patrol more often and when we were done, I traveled to town check on the kids. I haven't seen them much since Mr. Arlert left.

I looked for them all around where I thought they would be, and I finally found them huddled together. Armin was on the ground and had his knees to his chest, holding his grandfather's hat. He's been crying... he already heard the news.

"Armin, Mikasa, Eren... have you eaten already?"

"Yeah... more than we have been recently." Mikasa said.

Of course they have, because there is finally food for everyone.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't do anything about it. They wouldn't let me leave. I'm sorry, Armin..."

"Carrie... it's not your fault." He wiped his tears away.

All I want to do is hold you, and take care of you so you won't have to worry about starving to death, being cold, or having a home.

"It's the Titan's fault..." Eren said. "Next year, I am going to apply for the Cadets..."

"You're going to join?" I asked.

"I want to fight the Titans. To have the power, like you!" Eren said with determination in his eyes.

"Me too!" Armin yelled.

"Armin, you don't have to." Eren assures him.

"I am going to join too!"

"I will too, so you won't die." Mikasa said. She was protective over Eren, at least I didn't have to worry about Eren.

"You guys, it's dangerous and a hard skill to learn. Even if you master it, you might..."

"I will learn to defeat them!" Eren said.

These kids... they have more determination than anyone I graduated the Cadets with. In basic training, they all moped around and did the minimum to pass.

"Make sure you take care of each other then." I smiled. What am I saying? What am I telling them? "Let your determination drive you forward. You already have what some of the other cadets don't, and that is you have seen or you have been close to the enemy. You have lost someone because of them. Don't let the sight of them drive you back because you're scared to meet the same fate. Cause you won't..."

But... I think of myself and compared to them I have no light.

I can't quit, not with Armin, Eren, and Mikasa like this. If they join the military, they will just get themselves killed. If I quit now and adopt them like I wanted, then I could help them for a year. They would join the military right after, and after that I couldn't help them... if I stay I could fight alongside them and protect them. I could teach them to survive and get them to be strong. I need to stay, so they don't feel the loss I have.

"I'll be there with you..."

* * *

"I'm going to stay..." I told Levi later that day.

"What made you change your mind?"

"You and those three kids are all the family I need..." I smile. "And if I can protect you four, then I will live my dream."

"You don't want your own child?"

"This is enough for me. Do you want your own child?"

He takes my hand. "If it's enough for you, then it's enough for me."

My heart flutters a little. Levi, what would I do without you sometimes. "Thanks for being the natural asshole you are when I was weak..."

"What do you mean by 'natural?'"

I laughed at him as he glared at me.

He smiled at me and put a hand on my cheek. "Glad to have you back. So, you're ready then..."

"For what?"

"We found it... or we think we found it."

It took me a second to realize what he was saying. Then, I realized... The library. All the intel I have been gathering all this time has paid off.

"Finally..."


	17. Time and Progress

A few years later, I saw the kids off as they signed up for the cadets, but I was also tasked to scout the possible graduates. The amount of people that join the scout regiment is decreasing with every year. I don't know how I would help bringing in people... I was told by Hange that it was the possible "sex appeal" to bring some of the people who weren't as bright. I protested, thinking those weren't the kind of people we needed. She just said that as long as we had people like Erwin, Levi, and I we didn't necessarily need smart people.

I sigh just thinking about it.

We found the library. At first, we thought that the some of the books could be hidden out in the world beyond the walls. Though, no matter how far we tried to go beyond the walls, it looked like nothing existed outside besides animals and titans. Everything that existed before the walls seemed to be destroyed.

With the small books, they called it a "library". Though, we did find some banned books, there wasn't as much as we expected. I thought the library would be more like my father's study, but it wasn't. The trick was bringing all of it back with us to the command center to be inspected.

Now, I am here, reading the training commander's notes on everyone that graduated before they chose their regiment.

"What do you got there?" Levi walked into the room.

"Oh, I was just reading notes on the graduates. Trying to see if we could bring people in..."

"Anyone noteworthy?"

"Not yet..." Then I read on. "Wait a minute..." I never asked for her last name before... "Mikasa Ackerman." The little asian girl, well, she isn't so little anymore. Levi didn't seem phased. He probably wouldn't have known of any other family anyway. "She's number one in her class. It's possible..."

"I wouldn't know..."

"I know, I'm just saying. It'd be a good idea to keep her close to us."

"Would she even join?"

"Just as long as Eren hasn't changed his mind, she will join."

"Are you coming with us tomorrow?"

"Yes... let me just put these somewhere safe. I didn't realize what time it was." I looked outside and it was already getting dark, I didn't realize I have been reading for so long. Hopefully, the others have a good graduation party...

* * *

We head through the main street of town, as we make our way out of the walls. Our recent missions have been centered around trying to regain our lost territory. It's been hard, it seemed impossible, unless we wanted to lose our whole regiment.

As usual, crowd of people filled the streets as they cheered us on.

"Carrie!" I heard familiar voices yell.

I looked over to see three bright faces in their new uniforms. I haven't talked to them in so long... I'll have to see them when I get back. Of course, I would see them more often now... I smiled and waved at them. "I hope to see you guys next to us."

Their faces lit up and it brought light to my heart.

"I'll see you later, okay?" Soon I will see them almost everyday and I'll be helping with their training. We will divide the cadets in our teams, and maybe I will get one of the three in my team.

* * *

Today, we had minimal losses, less than usual. Mostly because there were less Titans than what we expected. Is it due to us finally bringing their numbers down?

"Let's head back." Commander Erwin said.

"So early?" Someone said.

"The Titans are headed toward the wall. It's like what happened five years ago." He explained, and I look at the crowd of titans heading toward the wall.

How did I not notice? "Armin, Eren, Mikasa..." I stand there horrified.

The cadets are on the wall right now. This is their first time fighting real Titans. If what happened five years ago happens again they would be killed. They're only trained for so much, and in virgin battles anything can happen. So many of the Garrison soldiers could act like cowards too and be useless and be of no help to the new cadets.

"Levi, let's go!" I yelled as Levi follows me. I whistled for my horse. "Commander, we're going on ahead. Our horses are the fastest!"

The commander doesn't say anything at first, so I take it as the signal to go ahead. If he wanted to object something, he will.

"Wait!" Commander Erwin yelled after us. I stopped to turn to him. "If the wall is breached, our fastest way in will be too dangerous. Titans will most likely be flooding in from the gate like they did five years ago."  
"We'll just cut through them, to stop more from coming in..."

"That will bring needless deaths and by time we cut through the Titans and lose our numbers, we will be of no use to the people inside." The Commander heavily protested. "We might have to go around, a little farther from the gate to avoid Titans and climb the walls. Refuel now then, you can go. Your orders are to assist with civilian evacuations, if that operation is still going on. Commander Pixis should be there assist with the operation."

I hate how he was right... I probably would have raced to my death and do absolutely nothing to help the others. Just wait a while, you guys... When I get there, I will find you.

* * *

It was nearly a clear path from where we were to the wall. All the titans in the surrounding area must be inside already.

Levi and I ditched our horses and climbed up the walls in an area with no Titans. When we got to the top we saw a good group of soldiers in the corner of the city. Why are there so many of them in one place?

"Carrie, let's go." Levi said.

I nodded and ran with him toward the crowd.

"Look! It's Captain Levi and Carrie!" I heard some of them calling as they spotted us in the distance.

I spotted some people with cadet patches, they stood out with the minimal color.

"You there!" I called out to a kid with a long face and light hair. It was hard to tell what the color of his hair was with the setting sun. "Mikasa, Eren, and Armin... you know them right?"

He was alarmed that I called to him, was he scared of the events going on? It didn't matter. He nodded quickly.

"Where are they?"

"They are all helping with the elite squad." He pointed toward the gate. It had looked like a Titan was carrying a boulder in the distance.

Eren and Mikasa both graduated in the top ten, so I would understand why they would be there. However, Armin lacks the physical strength that they excel at. They could die.

"Levi, I am going!"

"Fine..." He didn't want me risking my life, though he understood the importance.

"Tell Commander Pixis that the rest of the Survey corps will be on their way to get his soldiers out of here." I run and he follows me.

I see now, the group here attracts most of the Titans in the city so they can do... whatever they are doing. I don't understand everything that was going on. As we drew closer, it had looked like there were people running on the ground, drawing Titans to them. What are they thinking? Then I saw Mikasa and Armin, they were running on the ground too in front of the Titan carrying the boulder.

But where's Eren? What are they doing? I jump down the wall and fly toward them. What kind of operation is this?

There were still a few Titans in our way as we headed there. Levi cut down the ones in front of me, so I could keep going forward.

A yellow smoke flare shot up in the air. A successful operation?

There was a Titan there for sure... it was moving about. It moved that boulder, and for what? It was helping us, and now what?

The Titan's body was steaming in front of the boulder. It was already decaying, but I didn't see anyone defeat it. From the steam, I saw a body being pulled out of the Titan by Armin. Is it a human victim that survived? No... no, it can't be. The smoke was clearing, so that I could see what was in front of me.I almost couldn't believe it. It's Eren...

"Don't just stand there, Carrie!" Levi scolded me.

I saw two Titans heading toward the boulder. "Armin! Eren!" I headed toward them, but by that time Levi had already quickly killed the two Titans like it as nothing and he landed on the back of the fallen Titan. I landed next to the three kids. "Are you okay?" Eren being inside a Titan would be another question for another time. Eren was barely conscious and Mikasa and Armin both looked like they had been through a lot today.

"You came for us." Armin seemed relieved.

"Who else is going to kill all these Titans?" I smirked, trying to look like I wasn't worried, but all I could worry about was their lives, if I would make it in time to save them. I wanted to cry because I couldn't the whole time we were hurrying here. I wanted to cry because I was relieved they were safe, and I wanted to let all my pent up feelings out.

 **[I am sad to admit that I am nearing the end of the story, at least the part where I write a sort of prequel to the original story including my OC. I hope you have enjoyed so far!]**


End file.
